Pens & Sharpies
by pleasebiteme
Summary: Let the Cullens pass notes! I find it hilarious. Maybe you shall, too. ;D
1. tassles!

**Disclaimer: this thing is so freakin' pointless. but...I OWN NADA. except my books. which i treasure. (: **

**Also...I basically got this story from **kissss-meeee**'s "Note Passing With The Cullens". Just putting that out there. It's 100 times better than mine...so go check it out. [x**

**&if she's readin' this...sorry! heh, i couldn't resist.**

**There was also another chapter before this, but it's built too much on inside jokes with friends, so...**

**they're passing notes. that's all ya need to know. (:**

**AUTHORS NOTE DONE. sorry. i'm completely incapable of making anything short and sweet.**

**

* * *

**

**Edward** _Bella_ [Cullen Residence!

_Eddy, what is it that I'm holding?_

…**A pen.**

_And what writing implement are YOU using?_

…**A sharpie.**

_Do you see the inequality!_

**No, I do not.**

_Sharpies are 100 times cooler than pens._

**But your pen has a tassle on it.**

_BUT YOUR SHARPIE SMELLS BETTER!_

**Bella, it smells like a permanent marker. Also described as disgusting.**

_NO!_

**Would you like to trade?**

_Pwease?_

The pen and sharpie were swapped as Bella plotted her next move, grinning maliciously.

"AH! What the—" 

Three seconds later Edward had a black heart drawn in the center of his forehead.

_YAY! _

She clapped gleefully.

**Damn you.**


	2. eyebrowz and buckets o:

**Disclaimer: duh.**

**Yeah, it basically skips around. Cuz i wanted to do the whole eyebrow thing, but had no idea how to start the chapter.**

**So the duel&bucket this is a filler.**

* * *

_Bella _**Edward** [School Parking Lot

_I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!_

**Guess who would win?**

_I WOULD BECAUSE I AM A BUCKET!_

Edward raised one eyebrow. Bella gaped.

_How do you DO that?_

**Do what?**

_That lopsided eyebrow hallucination!_

**Do you mean illusion?**

_Yes._

But it's not— 

_Yes it is. Teach me the secret behind your magical doings!_

**Raise one eyebrow…. **

Bella proceeded to try. She stood there, in the middle of the parking lot, distorting her face. One eyebrow went up, the other went up. So she closed one eye and wrinkled her forehead. When that didn't work, she put her finger to one eyebrow and lifted it.

_YAY!_


	3. dead smileys

**Disclaimer: as much as i wish to be Stephenie Meyer...I'm not. -dead-.**

**This is amazingly funny to me.**

**My friend Jillian and I (also my beta...eventually. xD) were talking online & one of us made a "dead smiley" .) thing...**

**so i had to write a fic about it.**

**:D**

**R&R [does that mean read and review? lol -clueless-**

* * *

_Bella_ Alice **Edward** [Cullen Residence 

_ALICE CULLEN!_

Whaz uuuup?

_Emmett._

What?

_He suspended himself from the ceiling. I'm not sure how._

Oh. He probably bought a… damn, what's the word? That wire thing that acrobats and movie sets use?

…_I'd just stick with "that wire thing"._

You would.

**(a/n: in case this doesn't show...and it probably won't...it's a "dot-parenthesis")**

OMG! It only has one eye!

_BAHAHAHA!_

Why would you do that to the poor thing, Bella?

_P-)_

What the hell?

_EYE PATCHES! IT'S A PIRATE YAR!_

Oh…But he put it on wrong.

_Exactly!_

So, not only did you take away its eye, but you made it stupid. YOU ARE SO CRUEL.

_.O_

See, Bella? NOW ITS CRYING!

_Through one eye._

DEAD SMILEYS.

**What?**

Bella killed all the smileys.

See? ONE EYE, EDWARD.

**That's okay. I'll settle for the murderous Bella.**

What other kind is there?

**True dat.**


	4. power ranger

**Disclaimer: nothing. is mine.**

**So...I didn't write this anywhere around Halloween.**

**But the idea of it excited me. So I pretended.**

**do them R's!**

* * *

_Bella_ Alice **Edward** Jasper **_Emmett _**(lunch)

_HALLOWEEN YAY!_

Do you _really_ get dressed up, Bella?

_I don't get it._

Well, aren't you a little too old for trick-or-treating?

_EXQUEEZE ME? BLASPHEMY!_

_**Heheh…Bella rhymed.**_

_EMMETT! He'll agree with me! Emmett, what are you going to be for Halloween?_

_**A power ranger ballerina.**_

_See! …What?_

_**Well, it'll be like I'm in a power rangers play. So I'll be a power ranger…with a tutu.**_

_Oh. Okay! As long as I get to see Emmett Cullen in a tutu…._

But you already have.

_True is true…_

_Now, to discuss the topic of my costume. _

OMG we can go shopping!

_I will allow that. I'm gonna need some legwarmers, fishnets, bunny ears…._

You're going to be a bunny?

_No, a mermaid._

I don't appreciate your sarcasm.

_Huh?_

Oh.

Yeah. She's serious.

_EEEDDWARD!_

Silly. He's not going to hear you if you write it down.

**What?**

WHAT? BUT…HOW? I AM NEVER WRONG! …Goodbye.

**Heehee. I read her mind.**

_GO HALLOWEENING WITH ME._

**I refuse to be a vampire. Just a heads up.**

_Of course not. It mocks us!_

**Us…?**

…

_Anyways…we can be harlequin girls!_

**Or we can sit at home and watch vampire movies. **

_What the hell?_

**Worth a shot?**

_That was stupid._

**Don't call me stupid…**

_I didn't. That would insult myself._

**How?**

…_BECAUSE I AM EDWARD CULLEN._

**Sure, Bella. **

_Eddy-kins…_

**Yes?**

_There's nobody left in the cafeteria…._

**Oh…Damn it.**


	5. tooth tunes!

**Disclaimer: i do not own walgreens, hannah montana, tooth tunes, or frickin' twilight. now that we've covered the painfully obvious...**

**I got this idea in my earth science class when a bunch of girls sittin' behind me were like, "i want some hannah montana tooth tunes." after going to her concert the night before. And, yes, all decked out in hannah-wear.**

**Anyways, after suppressing my wild giggles, i had to write this. **

**enjoi. **

* * *

_Bella_ **Edward**

_Let's go to Walgreens!_

…Alright.

[WALGREENS!

"I need a tooth brush!" Bella announced loudly.

"So go get one, Bella."

"You…you're not going to come with me…?" She pouted.

Edward took her hand, as to prevent her from getting lost in the vast aisles.

She let go and sprinted towards the, yes, toiletries aisle, knocking down a basket full of $.99 bottles of mouthwash.

"I want a special toothbrush!" she exclaimed when Edward inconspicuously brought her into the aisle.

"HANNAH MONTANA!"

"…Bella. Please don't tell me you mean…"

"TOOTH TUNES!"

"Oy, vey."

"Haha. You're Jewish." She snorted.

Edward patted her on the head and Bella ran off to find it.

Terrific. Now I get to listen to the horrors of Miley Cyrus for the rest of eternity. Maybe if I hide the batteries…. Edward thought.

Bella emerged out of the aisle, dancing.

"SUCCESS."


	6. oy with the poodles already!

**Disclaimer: i do not own twilight. or gilmore girls. unfortunately.**

**"Oy, with the poodles already" is a quote straight from gilmore girls btw.**

**It was my favorite show. Until they cancelled it and messed up the ending to a point of no return.**

**Anywayses... This really has no subliminal meaing. The hula dancer part was completely random.**

**OH. And that song is "Seventeen Forever" by Metro Station.**

**ITS AMAZING. And if you listen to the words...it's like...it was written for Bella&Edward.**

**S'yeah.**

* * *

**Edward** _Bella_

_Oy, with the poodles already!_

**Is this the part where I nod and smile and pretend that I know what you're talking about?**

_Yes, cap'n, we shall invite the hula dancers!_

**Bella…What the hell?**

-sings- _We're one mistake from bein' together!_

**But we are together silly!**

-sings- _But let's not ask why it's not right!_

**I already know why. Beastiality and such.**

_HAHA. You make it sound so gross._

**But it's not. So it's okay.**

_Plus you were once human._

**Awesome. Half beastiality.**

_No, but seriously…it's like that song was like…_

**Written by me.**

_NO!_

**Yeah…no. ):**

_SSSIINNNSSS-uh!_

**Yeah.**

_You LIE! A LYING vampire :O_

**Yeah. But ILUHYOU!**

… _heart_


	7. your ego is prego

**Disclaimer: All I own here is the Cat. ...&the goffle waffle. Both in a shared ownership. (:**

* * *

_Bella_** Edward** (somewhere…)

_Yo' ego is prego, Edward!_

_**...What the hell, Bella.**_

_That line kicks such ass!_

**Yeah, but saying it to me is messed up in so many ways….**

_Sweet Jesus!_

**…**

_IT'S A CAT! What? No- It's a Jesus Cat!_

**Alright, love, you need sleep.**

_Nawwww…Goffle Waffle._

_Oh my Edward!_

_**What?**_

_Well, cuz you're God…and stuff._

**Bella…**

_No, it's Morgan Freeman. _

* * *

**Juno was definitely the most amazing movie...EVAR. sorry, had to.**

**So, my friend Jenny & I have this huge insider that is the Cat. Too much to explain in an a/n, you'd all hate me.**

**But it's like...all-knowing and stuff. And then I found this plushie cat with magnets on its paws and arranged it in my locker as Jesus. xP**

**So now, it's Jesus Cat.**

**And the Goffle Waffle thing is like Roffle Waffle (rofl). But my friend Jillian y yo are cool with the changing-stuff-to make-it-our-own bidness.**

**R&R! Those reviews are amazing. xD and i only have, like, 6. lol.**

** 3**


	8. EAMC&BS

**Disclaimer: N-O-T-H-I-N-G.**

_

* * *

_

_Bella _**Edward**

_Eddy, I have had an epiphany!_

**Goodness. Lemme have it.**

_My initials, Edward!_

**B.S…? Oh.**

_Heheheh! Bitch Slap!_

**I was thinking of something more along the lines of bull-**

_Don't curse!_

_-_a few seconds later-

_FLABBERGASP!_

****

_OMG!_

**What?**

_Edward Anthony Mason Cullen._

**Yes, that's me...**

_Esteban, Astonish My Cat!_

**_Are you implying..._**

_That you have a sex god from Wakiki named Esteban._

**But...**

_AND CATS._

* * *

**OKAY. So...**

**Most of you are in dire need of an explanation...**

**So, my friend Jillian, who doesn't go to my school, was in the town that i now reside in, and we were with a bunch of my friends that i go to school with & saw these random kids that go to our school.**

**So we told them that Jillian was "Sarah, a sex goddess from Wakiki" cuz they were being rude to her. xP**

**So that's where the whole sex god thing is coming from. **

**andheartssemicolon!**


	9. Th Gm

**Disclaimer: WHY DO I BOTHER. no. nothing. Except for my guitar hero. ;D**

* * *

_Bella_ **Edward**

_Are YOU a guitar hero?_

**Yah. I'm like Casey Lynch.**

_Or Travis Barker._

**He plays drums, Bella.**

_WELL, CASEY LYNCH IS A WOMAN._

**She's not even real. I don't think…?**

_Let's play a game._

**Does it involve coconuts?**

_No._

**Good.**

_W shll pl lk ths._

**Xctng.**

_Cnfsd._

_You forgot your vowels, silly!_

**Um…I figured that was the game. Since you didn't use any vowels…?**

_Well, I was thinking more along the lines of Bella Swan._

**Huh?**

_Heheh. Dirrrrrty._

**Bella…**

_Like…instead of saying, "BS" or "Bullshit" or like…"Burning Sushi"…_

**Who says burning sushi?**

_So, you got any cards?_

**Yes, Bella, in my pocket.**

_YAY!_

**Maybe I shouldn't have used sarcasm.**

_Why do seagulls fly over the sea?_

**-sigh- Why?**

_Because if they flew over the bay, they'd be BAGELS!_

Bella went into hysterics and Edward had to explain to their teacher that she had to go to the nurse. (and get Bella Swan'd, but he didn't say that.) **(A/N: bitch slapped, as mentioned in the previous chapter ;)**

* * *

**So, Casey Lynch...**

**For all of you that have played Guitar Hero III for the PS3, she's the amazing blonde character.**

**IDLE FOR LIFE. xD**

**If not, then all you have to know is that she's a guitar hero...cuz she's a character...in it...?**

**Yeah. Anyways.**

**This was a little stupid, but the bagel joke is my favorite part, because my friend gave me a buncha cards with jokes like these on them...and this stuck with me fohevaaa.**

**:D**


	10. socks, man

**Disclaimer: you know...this hasn't changed.**

* * *

**Edward **_Bella _(Bio Midterm)

_PSST!_

…**Yes?**

_What's number 36 :D_

**b.**

_Thankies!_

-(3 seconds later)-

_37?_

**d.**

_(: ILY!_

-(3 more seconds later)-

_MMPH!_

**-Sigh- Give me your test.**

_But the teacher will see!_

**Bella, please. He's thinking about his life's recent dilemma. Plus, what makes you think he'd see when he doesn't see us passing this?**

_Ooh, what's this dilemma?_

**He has no clean socks left. And his washing machine is broken. Or so he thinks.**

_HAHAHAHAHAHA._

He takes her test and fills in the right answers.

**You can always take this class again. …And again. **He grinned.

_Trueness, man!_

The bell rings.

_To the infirmary!_

**…Are you hurt?**

_No._

* * *

**Heheh. This was fun.**

**So, I just posted my tenth chapter.**

**and i just started posting this yesterday.**

**But for the record, I've had all these written. I just had to put these spiffy A/N's and disclaimers in.**

**: So, NO, I'm not spending hours&hours on end writing these.**

**LAST ONE FOR TODAY. heh. there shall be more when i get excrutiatingly bored in class tomorrow.**


	11. cherry blossom

**Disclaimer: I own nothing. Not even a fanny pack. ;D**

**And...some of you might not get this.**

**Sorry! **

* * *

_Bella_** Edward**

_You know what would be really funny to me?_

**Besides the usual—your own banter?**

_Heh. Banter. But no…_

**So, then, what is it?  
**

_Flippin' fanny packs!_

**You know what **_**I**_**find funny?**

_Funnier than a purse that someone wears around their waist in an attempt to look fashionable?_

**Yes.**

_This I must see…I was just asking Alice if anyone would ever find something like that. She wouldn't tell me._

**By now what I find funny won't be funny anymore though…cuz it's too late. It'll be delayed.**

_What is it, Edward? Gosh._

**T****he fact that you said "flippin'"…**

_What's wrong with "flippin'"?_

**I don't know…it's just…funny.**

_YOU'RE funny._

**Thank you. **

_That never works out._

**What doesn't?**

_That thing where when someone describes something, you pull on one 'em and say YOU'RE [insert cruel word here. But it's usually something good._

**Heeh.**

_Like, the other day, I was forced to tell Mike Newton that he's a cherry blossom._

…**Bella.**

_I'M SORRY! It was calling to me…And I didn't think before I said it, or something stupid like that._

**Of course not…Because that would be completely moronic.**

_YOU'RE COMPLETELY MORONIC. …I'm sorry. You're not. I NEED HELP._

**Would you settle for Almond Joy?**

_YES._

* * *

**Mmkay...**

**So y'know how if someone describes something...or something,**

**then some idiot (being probably me) will be like...**

**"YOU'RE [adj here.!"**

** Like, "that's stupid." ... "YOU'RE stupid."**

**That sort of thing.**

** Reviews make me smile:D **


	12. blue blood

**Disclaimer: I do not own Trader Joe's. Go ahead and gasp.**

* * *

_Bella _**Edward **

_The other day…_

**Story time? **

_NO LEMME FINISH._

_The other day, I was in Trader Joe's with Charlie…_

_And I was going to go get my organic cheese sticks, but I wasn't sure if Charlie was paying or not…_

**Since when do you go grocery shopping with Charlie?**

_That is for another time, grasshopper. Anyways. I was running (yes, running, stop that snickering, Edward!) because I wasn't sure how much time I had…so when I got to the cash register…_

**Dear God.**

I_ fell. On my face. And butt. Not sure how. So then the whole store was staring at me…_

_And I was like, DAMNIT. Even the cashier was like, "Dude…"_

_So then I went and got some band-aids, because I was bleeding._

_And that made me think. Shouldn't blood be blue? It's blue in my veins…_

**…**

**S-silly, Bella. It's red. All red.**

_But…_

**No.**

* * *

**OOOOKAYYYY...**

**So I was in, yes, Earth Science,**

**and these girls were like, "ISN'T BLOOD SUPPOSED TO BE BLUE?"**

**And my teacher was like..."uh...no..."**

**And their argument was the veins thing and that our teacher last year told them that.**

**Which she didn't.**

**Because i was in their class and she actually said the exact opposite.**

**But it was too amusing for me to say anything & not write a chapter about. But i did almost cry. xD**

**BTW.**

**Based on a true story. No lies.**

**Minus the cheese.**

**Though I do like mango lemonade better.**

**my bff jenny told me her story about when she went to trader joe's and this exact thing happened to her, only better And i'm pretty sure the fall spared her butt. She just landed flat on her face. ♥ (does that work? it's supposed to be a heart...)**

**if i told you the WHOLE thing, then you'd all shoot me because my A/N would never end & would be longer than already is OKAY BYE SORRY. DX**

**  
**


	13. MCLOVIN

**Disclaimer: I just own Dana.**

**Oh, yeah.**

**About that... See, she's not involved in the twilight series or anything, she's just one of my best friends. (well, maybe she's involved WITH it... ;D sense? no? i dont know.)**

**But she randomly says "MCLOVIN'!" and we don't know why.**

**So i wrote a chapter about her camio appearance in Forks. :)**

**el helado ice cream, obv & con with. :D**

* * *

**Edward **_Bella _Dana (Swan Residence!)

_El helado! Ice cream! Con marshmallows! _

**I'm, uh, guessin' you want ice cream? -shudder-**

_ No, not really. I also hate marshmallows. :D_

MCLOVIN'!

_Oh my God. She's right. There's a world full of different patterned socks out there!_

**-dead-**

_No pun intended?_

**I don't even know anymore.**

_Oh. Kay._

_Hey, where'd Dana go?_

_Eddy?_

_…_

_AH!_

_Ohmigawd._

_Well, crap._

* * *

**I sort of summed up my A/N in the beginning.**

**Well, this is awkward.**


	14. A Minus

**Disclaimer: NADA.**

**This be based on a previous chapter. Number...10?**

* * *

**Edward**_ Bella_

_YAYY!_

**Something happen?**

_Yesssmmm._

**Feel free to elaborate.**

_Thank you._

**Bella…**

_I got my midterm back!_

**Oh. What did you get, I wonder?**

_An A-._

**Where did the minus come from? **

_The first 35 questions…_

**Ahh…**

* * *

**lalala. pretty dumb chappie. but i really wanted to post something. (:**


	15. dora dora dora the explorer!

**Disclaimer: If i owned any of this shit i'd be on to bigger and better things.**

**&...this is based on an entirely true story minus the twilight characters.**

* * *

**Edward **_Bella _Alice (Diner?) 

_Dora, Dora, Dora the explorer!_

Swiper, no swiping!

**What the hell.**

_They gave me a Dora picture and some crayons to color it with!!_

But Bella liked her French fries better….

**…**

--She colors on her fries with a red crayon. Again.--

…**Are those non-toxic?**

I'm not sure. I guess if she starts gagging….

**I hate you.**

* * *

**So, I went to my friend jillian's school play...**

**and everyone went to this diner afterwards.**

**And my bff sam was there, & they gave us doras and crayons to color.**

**lmfao.**

**so...my bff jill drew on my bff sams french fries.**

**with a red crayon.**

**so he left our table.**


	16. Bella Be Dumb

**Disclaimer: I own ABSOLOOTLY nothing. Especially this time--not even the idea. xD**

**Speaking of which, thanks to Molocosa** **for that! Twas fun to write. **

**Edward** _Bella_ Alice

_Alice, where's Edward? I have to tell him something!_

He's a-comin' back from hunting with Emmett.

_Oh…When will he be back? TIS IMPORTANT!_

Like, I said, he's on his way, so very soon, especially with Edward driving…

_YAY! Cuz it's sooper awesome._

Tell me!

_No, cuz then he'll hear it in your thoughts._

He's speeding up because he hears my frantic and curious thoughts. -snickers-

_OHMYGOD._

x Edward appears beside them and startles Bella. x

**Bella, I'm dying. What is it?**

_Mmph…you took too long. I sorta forgot…_

Edward and Alice gaped.

**Alsoooo...I wrote this in Spanish class on Friday, but I sort of forgot it in school.**

**So i re-wrote it, and there's a part that I am almost positive is missing but I'm too impatient to wait for tomorrow so that i can get the chapter from my locker. xD**

**On that note, I will most likely be updating this with some sort of improvement(s) come tomorrow. :)**

**::(the very next day)::**

**ADJUSTMANTS MADE. :D**


	17. RAPE!

**Disclaimer: NNNOOOTTTTHHHIIIINGG-uh.**

* * *

Edward is on his way to Bella's house as she's cooking dinner:

Out of nowhere, he hears a very distressed Bella shrieking, "RAPE! RAAAAPE!"

Not realizing that this is Bella he's dealing with, he rushed over in a matter of two seconds in an extremely worried manner. Yes, Eddy-Poo, she's _definitely_ getting raped.

Standing in the doorway, Edward observes Bella's fit. She is on the floor fussing over a dishtowel. What an interesting sex offender.

"Bella…?" he asked cautiously.

"EDWARD! You're just in time!"

And so, he knelt down to her side and pulled the dishtowel away from her slowly.

"Mah hero!" she said with a southern accent.

"Where did that come from?"

"My cat."

* * *

**Ok, so...**

**My friends and I constantly do this. **

**The reason I wrote this was because (yes, MCLOVIN') Dana was rolling around her bed, **

**all alone might i add because i was at the computer, **

**&she was screaming "RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!" **

**While Jack's Mannequin was most likely playing in the background. **

**Fun stuff.**

**(andnobelladoesnothaveacat)**


	18. snails!

**Disclaimer: nothing.**

**I am warning you now...more random than usual.**

* * *

**Edward** Alice _Bella _(various places yo.)

**She still hasn't remembered, Alice.**

Edward…

**Yes?**

I see what you plan on doing.

**I would never hurt my Bella, Alice.**

You will simply "teach her a lesson"?

…**Yesm.**

Moses.

…………………………………………………………

**Bella, honey, what do you fear most?**

_Snails._

**Of course, I could kill you at any moment, and you shudder at the thought of a minuscule creature that has no ears.**

_I had a horrible experience once…And, ew. That just made it worse. _

**Anyways, would you like to go out tonight, love?**

_Hidey-hoe, ranger Joe! Sure. (:_

**Alright. I'll let you get ready and pick you up at 7.**

_OKAY!_

…………………………………………………………………

As they drove up to the restaurant, Bella quickly noticed that she couldn't even read the name of it.

"Is it Frenchie?" she asked. Edward nodded.

As they sat down at their table, a waiter took their order. The waiter also happened to be Mike Newton.

"You speak French, Mike?" Bella asked.

"No."

Edward quickly ended the conversation and ordered. Considering Bella didn't even know what it was, she just nodded and smiled. When the dish was placed before her, her eyes widened and she glared at Edward, followed by a twitch of the eye. Yes, ESCARGOT.

"We're not friends anymore." With that she slowly backed away from the table and headed to the door.

"EAT THIS!" She took a chocolate bunny out of her nonexistent pocket and threw it at Mike Newton.

* * *

**...burrrrrrn. -shuts mouth-**

**okayyyy.**

**so...this is all based on a conversation that I had with my bff & beta jill/korn le kanga.**

**And I had to write a chapter about it, just because.**

**Sorry if you don't get any of the crap I say! XD**

**Also, thank youuuuuuuuuus to you awesome chocolate bunnies that review. :D**

**And check out lannamisssunshine's story. it's freakin' awesomeeee.**

**heh, i've been meaning to put that in an a/n but kept forgetting. xx**


	19. the salsa

**Disclaimer: nothing...:( **_  
_

_Bella_ **Edward**Alice

_That was horrible!_

**It wasn't **_**that**_** bad, Bella.**

_I tripped over the piñata. _

**So-**

_And my feet, and YOUR feet, and the floor, and-_

What the hell are you guys talking about?

_He tried to kill me._

That's not nice, Edward.

_DANCING!_

Wow. That's even worse than what I had in mind.

**What exactly did you-**

_The salsa._

-restraining laughter- Hence the piñata?

_Si, senor!_

**Cool beans.**

**& i actually am pretty positive that i didn't get the fonts mixed up...**

**stands corrected SORRYNEVERMIND! DX**


	20. moshy

**Disclaimer: whatever. **

**Edward**_ Bella_Alice

I just had the funniest thought.

_What, what, what!_

You won't like this, Bella…

**Oh, Alice...**

Imagine Bella in a mosh pit.

**Goodness.**

_Funny? FUNNY? Alice Cullen,-_

**S****he would DIE. It really ISN'T funny…**

_I would not die! You underestimate me so!_

**I'm not letting you try, Bella.**

_Okaygood._

**Short and sweet.**

**Well, it's short... **_  
_


	21. cellular device

**Disclaimer: lalalalalala.**

**Edward **_Bella_ Alice

_Life is so confusing…_

**What happened?**

_Well, you see…I got a cellular device…_

Oh, finally, Bella!

_And something happened…_

**…**

_And now I don't know how to use it._

**Would you like me to take a look at it?**

_I would._

---he takes the phone from her and can't find anything wrong with it.---

**…**

_Not. Cool. This is worse than avocadoes. It only responds to the gorgeous vampire! _

**really. stupid. chapter.**

**i know. sorryyyyyyy. XD**

**i just got really bored and had no inspiration so i had to write something.**

**and thats what came out...**


	22. butt grabbing and massacres

**Edward **_Bella_

_Oh my Gosh, Edward. That was inappropriate._

**Hah.**

_Heeheeh. So, you've decided to screw the boundaries? And me?_

Bella… 

_IT SAYS THAT I HAVE TO PEE. MY SIMS DIAMOND IS ORANGE!_

So go pee, silly.

No. MAXMOTIVES. **(A/N- That's a cheat to make it fill all the motive thingies.) **Even though this is pretty silly. Apparently Alice is hungry… But there's no option in the refrigerator that says "go hunting for mountain lions."

Maybe we should play in Strangetown and massacre the whole place. :D 

_HEH. Please?_

No. Because they only allow alien invasions…not vampires. OMG. Extension pack? VAMPIRES? PLEASE?

Does that exist? 

Idk. But they should make it.

_That would be so yummy. "Design YOUR vampire!"_


	23. avocadoes!

**Disclaimer: I don't even own an avocado.**

**Edward **_Bella_

_Heeheeh._

**Yes?**

_AVOCADOES._

**Uck.**

_You're biased. Cuz you don't eat food and such._

**Yes, but they're so…._smooshy. _(A/N: eddy-poo has a yummy vocabulary!)**

_Holeh guacamoleh!_

**Is****that code for something?**

_No… _

_OMG._

**What?**

_Avocadoes._

**I know this sucked drastically because i have to be in a good mood to write one-a these and i'm not.**

**But i had to post one.**

**Because i haven't in so longggguh.**

**I have new stories but i'm sort of letting them all die, i think because i'm so freakin' lazy.**

**so inspiration is welcome.**

**and for the record, i don't like avocadoes at all. ;D fun facts!**


	24. sweet jesus!

**Disclaimer: I do not own Jesus!**

**Edward **_Bella _Alice

**Bella…What the hell is that.**

_You don't like it? I named him Jesus…_

**You named him Jesus? Why?**

_Look at him._

_And anyway, once I was walking up to my house, and I took the path thing up to my front door, but he cut across the front lawn._

**And this tells us what?**

_He's the all-knowing Cat, Edward._

Did someone say cat? Bella, did you honestly-

_Why would you think I'm lying if it's sitting right there? I DID HONESTLY._

**Heheh.**

_No one here respects Jesus!_

**Heh, hallelujah? **

_NO NOT HALLELUJAH. That doesn't even make sense, Eddy._

_But that's okay, because you're punny anyway. PPUUUNNNNYYYYY. Punful. Ful of puns!_

---She found herself alone in the room with the cat---

_Sweet Jesus!_

**My friend Jenny and I (xtakemybreathawayx. go there. go there now.) have an inside joke, and it's the all-knowing cat. explanation of this would take 76 years.**

**So i'll just leave you with...**

**cats.**


	25. food fight

**Disclaimer: nothing. not twilight, or uggs, or even a pair of uggs, thank you.:D**

_Bella _**Edward** Alice: cafeterrrrrrrrrrrrrrria.

_I've always wanted to start a food fight…_

**Bella, don't…**

_ Ewwwwwww!_

**You're not supposed to splatter **_**yourself**_** with the food!**

** a/n, since that probably didn't work, there's supposed to be a frownie face.   
**

HA. A food fight would be the funniest scene.

_Heheh! All them hoes would be like, _

MY UGGS!

_You stole my line…I was gonna say thaaat._

**:D VISIONS ARE WONDERFUL.**

**I was bored in class, and was like...**

**BELLA AND A FOOD FIGHT OMG.**

**And as i was writing it and getting close to the ugg part...**

**a bunch of girls walked by all wearing uggs. XP **


	26. alaska

**Disclaimer: NNNNNNNOOOOOTTHHHHHIIIIIINNNGGGGGGuh.**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward:** Alaska.

_It's snowing!_

**Yes…**

_A LOT!_

**Bella, we're in Alaska…**

_Well, then, why aren't we in an igloo?_

**Just cuz…I don't know. But we might as well be. The snow is taller than me. Heh.**

_Really:O It's tall._

---she opens the door and a huge pile of snow falls on her.---

"Shit."

---Edward digs her out of the snow.---

_Holy crappers, we_are _in Alaska._

**…**

**Yeah. I don't know.**


	27. moose

**Disclaimer: MOOSE.**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward**

_Moose!_

**Okay?**

_Mooses, meese, meeses?_

**Mooses.**

…_Meese, meeses?_

**…**

_That word should just fall in the hole._

**What hole?**

_THE hole, Eddy!_

**What is this hole of which you speak?**

_The one with Jacob!_

**Aw, don't do **_**that**_** to mooses, meese, meeses.**

_True._

**Explanation?**

**So, i was thinking of that whole moose thing...**

**and that's how that came about. **

**but the hole...**

**my friend and i have an inside joke about THE hole,**

**and whoever/whatever we dislike, we just "throw in the hole"...**

**and after we finished the series and realized we didn't like jacob because he kissed bella and such**

**we threw him in. :) **_  
_


	28. playdoh

**Disclaimer: blah. you suck.**

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

_SQUISHY GOODNESS!_

**Like those avocadoes that you loved so much?**

_I hate avocadoes._

**Right.**

_Don't compare it to avocadoes! Unless you're implying…_

**Whatever it is you think I'm implying, I'm not.**

_That I can eat this, too…._

**See? Did I call that one or what?**

_But it's just like the crayons! _---she sticks the non toxic label in his face.---

**Bella, why would you want to eat it?**

_My play-doh is squishy and green. It knows no explanation._

**Bella, just…don't.**

_Guh. Fine. But it's your fault that I have a repressed childhood._

**You're 18.**

_I MADE A HAT! _---she sticks it on the top of his head, and it soon falls off.---

The fact that that hat didn't stay on like a real hat will have her damaged for like. It's like a child who just found out there's no Santa Claus.

_-sigh- Only a Hanukah Harry…_

**heheheheh. it's like a sequel. squeals**

**kay. do what you want with this.**

**nudge i'd choose to review and possibly praise me for my incredible ability at life.**

**jk. i have none of that.**

**but R&R anyways. ;D**


	29. that show

**disclaimer: i'm gonna throw up.**

**Edward** _Bella_

_What's the name of that show?_

**What show?**

_THAT SHOW._

**…**

_The one with the creepy animated characters._

**There are many, love.**

_UGH._

---she proceeds to attempt to draw it---

**Nice to see you're still as artistically inclined as ever.**

_-pout- I'm gonna throw up. Why can I not figure this out?_

**If only Alice were here…**

_ALICE! Where is she?!_

**Hunting. **---smiles deviously---

_Well, great._

**What, I'm not good enough?**

_You don't know what it's called…_

**That's so sexist.**

**OMG.**

**So, i open this bulletin on myspace, and my cousin's friend posts a picture...of this show.**

**asking people to figure out the name.**

**and i'm staring at it, about to cry**

**because i can't figure it out, and it's one of those things that made me absolutely nauseous.**

**PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASEEEEEEEEE**

**help me out with this. me know what the name of this show is and i will write you a chapter, a story, a book, a play, and a frickin' bible.**

**just get rid of ANY X'S in the following link and copy&paste it into your address bar:**

http://xi27.xtinypic.xcom/acv9s2x.jpg

**sorry i had to do that, it's just that it would dissappear otherwise. D:**

**sorry if i brought this upon yourself because you cant remember either and now the whole world will be in a frenzy.**

**kbyeomfgthatwaslongimsosorry.**

**FORGET ALL THAT YOU EVER KNEW. (this is about an hour later :D)**

**_Angela Anaconda!!!_ Thank you to KornLeKanga for that. I peed myself. **


	30. yo, gurt

**Disclaimer: Your Gurt.**_  
_

_Bella_ **Edward**

_Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs!_

…**okay.**

_OMG. Remember yogurt?_

**Has it been forgotten?**

_It's been dead to me for a while._

**Oh, really?**

_Yes. Because I ate too much of it and now I envision it as an tiny, evil fat man that's going to eat all my children._

**I'm not dignifying that with a response.**

_Y__OGURT. YO, GURT._

**Who's Gurt?**

_Mike Newton._

**Ah…You're right. Yogurt **_**is **_**dead to us.**

**So, I was talking to my bff jill online,**

**and she goes**

**YOGURT**

**YO, GURT**

**WHO'S GURT?**

**so then i was like**

**chapteryay!**

**so that's that. :) **


	31. tetris

**Disclaimer: poop.**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward**

"**What are you doing?"**

"_Playing Tetris."_

"**Bella, you're clearly obsessed."**

"_NO I'M NOT SHUDDUP!"_

"**I can help you…"**He reached towards her phone on which she was playing Tetris and took it away. Her reflexes were no match for his.

"_I HATE YOU!"_

"**You see what it does to you? You're not the same anymore!"**

"_Yes I am! I just have a hobby!"_

"**Addiction is more like it."**

_"I suppose I do play a bit too much…"_

"**You suppose right."**

"_Okay…I'll…quit."_

"**Thank you. Things will be better this way."**

She sighed. _"Yeah…It's just so hard."_

**So here's the backdrop (if that made sense):**

**my friend Jenny (xtakemybreathawayx!) is OBSESSED with tetris**

**she plays it on her phone nonstop**

**and we tried to get her help...**

**but she's inpenetrable. **

**S'yeah.**_  
_


	32. the avenged oven

**Disclaimer: BWAH.**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward:**Bella's kitchen.

_OHMIGOSH EDWARD!_

**Yes? Are you okay?**

_DO YOU HEAR THAT?_

**I don't hear anything of importance…why?**

_THE OVEN._

**What about it?**

_IT'S MAKING EERIE NOISES!_

**I wouldn't really call them eerie…**

_Well, they are. And would you like to know why?_

**Why?**

_Because earlier, I made cookies while you were hunting…_

**Goodness.**

_And…it didn't work._

**How so?**

_I don't want to discuss it. But I think that the oven is overcome with vengeance! Because I ruined those cookies!_

**Would you like me to fix it?**

_VENGEANCE KNOWS NO FIXING!_

**So, the backdrop on this one?**

**i'm talking to my friend talia on aim at like 12 am  
**

**and shes like**

**my oven is making weird noises and you don't even know how freaky it is!**

**it's like that batch of cupcakes that exploded left something in it and now it's back to haunt me.**

**So then, once i was done giggling uncontrollably, i wrote a chapter about it. **_  
_


	33. undie shopping

**Disclaimer: nothing. i don't even have any giraffe undies.**

_Bella _**Edward **

_I need to go shopping._

**Are you serious?**

_Yes. And you can bask in the moment because this does not happen often._

**HA. Alice isn't here. This one time. This is great.**

_Well, that sucks. I need undies really bad!_

…

_Where is she?_

**At the mall…**

**Oh.**

_TAKE ME TO HER OH GREAT ONE!_

_No, I don't feel like it anymore._

_Ugh._

_Maybe I can just make her buy some for me._

_Cuz I really want some new undies. Perhaps with some giraffes on them?_

**Mmmmmmmmmkay.**

**My friend and I have been needing to go to the mall to buy new undies for a million years now.**

**We keep saying I NEED TO GO ON THE UNDERWEAR SHOPPING TRIP.**

**But it never works. **

**So yeah.**


	34. rad girls

**Disclaimer: I do not own Rad Girls.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_I wanna be on Rad Girls!_

**You wanna be on what?**

_RAD GIRLS!_

…

_Three kick-ass chicks do random stunts and stuff every episode._

**Oh, Bella. **

_ISN'T IT PERFECT FOR ME!?_

**NO.**

_But I'd get to eat mayonnaise by itself until I threw up, and kiss old men, and have blow-dryer duels, and_

**Blow-dryer duels?**

_Yeah, they keep the blow-dryer concentrated on the opponent's skin until they forfeit because it burns too much. Isn't that great?!_

**God.**

_I knew you wouldn't support me. You don't think I can handle it._

**Bella, you walk into walls.**

_SO?_

**How would you perform said stunts?**

_Well, they don't require me to be graceful!_

**You need tolerance though.**

_I'M TOLERANT!_

**You get squeamish at the sight of avocadoes.**

_…OH NO. What if instead of mayonnaise, it was guacamole? HOLY GUACAMOLE. Nevermind. I'll just watch Rad Girls on TV with a bucket._

**So it's the probability of avocadoes, not the probability of kissing a senior citizen.**

**I was watching Rad Girls today on Fuse,**

**and they had the Wheel Of Vomit, and Ramona had to eat mayonnaise by the spoon full, so i turned away.**

**And then they had to make out with old guys,**

**and the whole blow-dryer duel thing.**

**Also a wasabi face mask, but i didn't include that. :D**

**So yeah. R&R.**


	35. pie!

**Disclaimer: not the pie, or walmart, or the twilight series, or...**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward**

_Heeheeh!_

**Yes?**

_See, I spent the day with Angela, as you know…_

_And we went to Wal-Mart to do some exciting deeds._

**I'm not going to ask.**

_So we went to the lime aisle, or that's what I called it because it had limeade._

_And we got key lime pie…_

**Okay.**

_And, by the way, it was delicious. But what made me buy three of them was—_

**Three, Bella?**

_YES, THREE! Would you like to know or not?_

**Yes.**

_The brand was Edward's Key Lime Pie._

**Did that seriously make you buy three pies?**

_YES IT DID. I can't believe you're not excited._

**I'm thrilled.**

_Now all's I got's to do is find a Bella's Cucumber Surprise._

**Even if I did eat human food, I wouldn't eat that.**

_I'D EAT YOUR DAMN PIES. GOD._

**But you're human. And you must enjoy eating pie. **

…_WHATEVER!_

**So, my cousin went to WalMart, and she bought key lime pie**

**and i'm just eating it and whatnot, but then I look at the box,**

**and it's "Edward's Key Lime Pie"**

**I ate so much of that stuff.**

**It was ridiculous.**

**So yeah.**

**And the cucumber surprise thing...**

**idk. **_  
_


	36. fluffy paste

**Disclaimer: babies.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_I wanna make a collage!_

**Why?**

_Because then I get to cute stuff out and glue it in a messy manner and stuff._

**Thrilling.**

_You know what I was thinking the other day?_

**What?**

_I have discovered why there's always some kid in the classroom eating paste._

**Heh. What's your discovery?**

_IT LOOKS LIKE MARSHMALLOW FLUFF._

**But it's not thick and fluffy…**

_It's white, though. So all you have to do is teach each kid in the room to read paste._

**And fluff?**

_Yes._

**But then there would be some kid eating…GLUE.**

_SAME THING!_

**But the dumb kid doesn't know that.**

_Life is so complicated._

**So, in art, we were making prints**

**and the ink was this thick pasty stuff**

**and the white kind looked EXACTLY life fluff.**

**it was so hard...XD**

**soyeah. **

**also in my tech class we concluded, if not a whiile ago, that my teacher was the kid sitting in the back of the room eating paste. :)**


	37. purple phases

**Disclaimer: boo!**

_Bella _**Edward** Alice

_Edward!_

**Bella?**

_I experienced something horrific today!_

**What was it?**

_I walked into Alice's room…_

**Yeah, I tend to avoid that. **

_But you don't understand! It was…-shudder- Go see for yourself._

-Edward goes out of curiosity and returns.-

**Wow.**

_I KNOW. EVERYTHING IS PURPLE._

**I see she's going through a phase?**

Purple is amazing, thank you very much. Do not judge me!

_Your pen is purple too._

I know. And yours isn't. -grin-

_-whispers to Eddy-Poo- I think Alice has a problem._

I'm right here! Gosh.

_Heh._

And just for that we are going shopping.

_Nooooo!_

Oh, yes. And we are scoping out any available purple item in the mall.

_Alice…_

Bella…

_I hate you._

**I love purple. **


	38. Toll House

**Disclaimer: I do not own Toll House.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Edwarrrrrddddd…_

**Yes?**

_Would you still love me if I didn't have my amazing physique?_

-he chuckles- **Of course. Why?**

_Cuz before you came, when I woke up…_

**You accidentally skipped your daily routine of palates? **

_I don't exercise, silly. _

**-Disregards missing of point-**

_Anyways, I went downstairs, and there was this box on the table, so I opened it. And inside…_

**There were canolis? **

_No. There were like three really big Toll House cookies in these paper wrapper things._

**Okay.**

_And I ate them all._

**That's okay. You've still got your bod.**

_YAY!_

**-snickers- I made Edward say "bod".**

**So this morning when I woke up...**

**There was this box on the table...**

**so I opened it...**

**and inside there were like three big Toll House cookies in these paper wrapper things...**

**and I ate them all.**

**Sound familiar?**

**Yeah.**


	39. ice cream truck

**Disclaimer: BLOOOOOOF.**

_Bella _**Edward **_**Emmett**_

_I had an unfortunate experience today._

**Again.**

_Yes…_

_**Do tell.**_

_Edward and I were sitting in the park…_

_**No lies?**_

**Nope.**

_And I heard the ice cream truck…_

_**ICE CREAM! **_

**What the hell, you're a vampire.**

_**Dotdotdot…**_

_So then I went to chase after it…_

_**HAHAHAHAHAHA.**_

_EDWARD, FINISH THE STORY FOR ME. I'M LEAVING._

**See what you did?**

_**Yes.**_

**So then she tripped over her feet.**

_**Of course.**_

**And she fell and pouted.**

_**HAHAH.**_

**It was adorable.**

_**YOU'RE ADORABLE.**_

…_**DAMNIT.**_

**HA. Thank you.**

**lalalalalaaa. **

**the curse strikes back. XD**

**I have absolutely no life today. And I have things that I need to get done, too.**

**I'm just sitting here doing this shit instead.**

**So I've updated like 432432 times. It's ridiculous.**

**r&r.**


	40. creepy lambs

**Disclaimer: I only pretend to own Taking Back Sunday.**

�

_Bella _**Edward**

_HEHEHEHEH. Guess what?_

**No.**

_Fine, I'll give you the easy way out and tell you._

**Kay. smiles**

_I'm listening to Taking Back Sunday…_

**Which song?**

_There's No 'I' In Team._

**Okay.**

_And he goes "we're all such masochists and liars!"_

**And?**

_YOU SAID MASOCHISTIC ONCE. So I thought of you. _

**It's good to know that you connect me with masochists and liars.**

_I don't. YOU referred to yourself as a damn masochistic lion._

**True.**

_Can I be Mary's lamb? Cuz it's bound to be stupid._

**Sure. If I were a foreign old man, I'd deem you my lamb, but I'm not. **

_Well, technically you are both._

**I try not to think about that.**

_Wait. I don't get the lamb thing…_

**Well, they're always like, "do not worry, my little lamb." -says with an accent-**

_Creeps._

�

**I had writer's block because my day's been pretty bland and I didn't have any funny experiences to write about**

**And I was listening to Taking Back Sunday**

**And There's No 'I' In Team came on**

**and yeah.**


	41. baby in the bag

**Disclaimer: **_  
_

_Bella _**Edward**: Bio!

"Please take out your projects," the teacher said.

_Oh, no!_

**You forgot yours, didn't you?**

_Yes…_

**At home?**

_No…_

**Then where?**

_My entire backpack is sort of in Mike Newton's car…_

**Not to pry, but what the hell were you doing in Mike Newton's car?**

_I wasn't. He stole it._

**What? Why?**

_He was mad at me because I wouldn't try the gloppy-things he made in Foods class, and he thought that I had a baby in my backpack so he maliciously grabbed it and stuck it in his trunk laughing maniacally the entire time.  
_

**What an ass.**

**See on Friday, I forgot my backpack at my bff jenny's house**

**and she went away for the weekend**

**so then i was like, ohno!**

**and then i wrote this.**


	42. lithocrap

**Disclaimer: fdsjgdsklfjsdlfsdfsd.**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward**: some class.

_Oh my gawd._

**Heh. Don't worry. This will end soon enough.**

_But SERIOUSLY. "Describe how the atmosphere and the hydrosphere interact with the lithosphere to cause weathering"? Who the hell cares?_

**Well, the oxygen and—**

_OMG. How about, "Describe how this knowledge will help anyone succeed at life. Ever"._

**Sounds good.**

_You know. I don't think anyone cares to answer that question. It's like a never ending well._

**I'm not going to ask, but there may be several people in this room…aspiring…to be a meteorologist…**

_O__h, yeah. Definitely. Maybe it's that kid over there who's sleeping and drooling on his precious notes. Or the asshole playing with an obnoxiously colorful bracelet._

**Sweet Jesus.**

**Okay, so I was in Earth Science**

**and I honestly did not give a damn.**

**And I know that Edward and Bella aren't exactly in ninth grade science,**

**but let's pretend.**

**I don't know anything super frickin' advanced. :D**


	43. they're after he frosted flakes, bucko

**Disclaimer: i don't even eat lucky charms.**_  
_

_Bella _**Edward**

_I don't wanna go._

**Where?**

_To hunt down yer bagels._

**What bagels?**

_The bagels, they are frosted!_

**Bella…?**

_THEY'RE AFTER HE LUCKY CHARMS!_

**Isn't it 'me lucky charms'?**

_No, because I'm not the goddamn leprechaun._

**Oh.**

_Yeah. Get your facts straight there, bucko!_

**Hah.**

_What? I'm supposed to be threatening!_

**But you said bucko…**

_And you said butt._

**I only said it with one t.**

_YOU BUTT. YO BUTT. YOUR BUTT. SENTENCE CHANGING DOING!_

**I was talking to my friend jennyyyyyyy**

**and shes like...**

**i have the frosted flakes song stuck in my head**

**and then she types it**

**and then she goes**

**THEY'RE AFTER ME LUCKY CHARMS.**

**so then i was like**

**chapter!**

**so then i wrote it.**

**and then i posted it.**

**and then you read it.**

**and then i stopped being stupid bye!**_  
_


	44. embrace the cheese

**Disclaimer: Sorry if you like Miley Cyrus. She can't act. Embrace it.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_You know what the greatest thing ever invented was?_

**What?**

_YOU WERE PROBABLY ALIVE FOR IT, TOO._

**For what?**

_Okay, so who was the first person that said…_

**Is that the egg thing? Because I can tell you that I wasn't—**

_No, not the egg thing. I was going to say: "Imma take cheese and put it into a clever can so that people could take it and say, 'if I really wanted to I could SPRAY cheese into your face! Out of a can!'_

…**I really don't know. But cheese in a can is a rather repulsive thought.**

_You don't even eat human food. Hush, hush. It's rather amazing._

**Well…shouldn't it be like…natural or something?**

_ARTICULATE._

**Artificial?**

_Yeah, that one._

_OMG. Best thing ever just popped into my head. Air freshener in a can._

**If I could throw up…**

_I saw one once! And it was like…spongey so I didn't wanna touch it but I did anyway and it smelled like articulate lemons._

**Artificial.**

_Air freshener in a can. Since when can you do the same thing to air freshener and cheese?_

**Since Miley Cyrus got an acting job.**

_She's my idol for life!_

**Really?**

_No, but how cool would it be to pretend to be a poptart?_

**Star.**

_Pish, posh._

**Thanks to Orphan Ashley for opening my eyes**

**to the fact that i haven't written a chapter about cheese in a can until this day.**

**so yeah.**

**and miley cyrus should stick to singing.**

**she ruined hannah montana. D:**


	45. red velvet cake

**Disclaimer: **

_Bella _**Edward**

_Heh. _

**Hm?**

_I made red velvet cake with Lauren!_

_**What**_**? That's seriously the most backward thing I've ever heard of in my life.**

_Why?_

**Because you hate Lauren and she hates red velvet cake.**

_Does she really? But she ate it._ _Fat hoe._

**What a fake. God.**

_HOW DO YOU KNOW THOUGH…_

**I read minds? And she was sitting in biology and Mr. Banner was bantering (pun!) about how his wife made a red velvet cake explode…and Lauren was picturing its bitter downfall. It made her sickly happy.**

_But it's cake._

**-shrug- **

**I made red velvet cake with my friend Lauren...**

**(oh coincidences. i only realized the whole lauren, lauren thing after i wrote the whole chapter. :D)**

**So it was like fat brought me here!**

**o.O**


	46. clean phone

**Disclaimer: i don't own tide. i don't own twilight. i don't own she's the man. i don't own anything. suck it.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_My phone, it smells of Tide!_

**That can't be good.**

_Time for a Pro/Con list!_

_Pro                                           Con _

_-It smells good.                -No phone calls._

_                                      -No texts_

_                                     -No tetris_

_Well, crap._

**I'd be happy to buy you a new phone.**

_Darn it, I'm just too stubborn! –dramatic sigh- _

**The first step is admitting you have a problem.**

_At least I don't stick tampons up my nose._

_Mike Newton watched She's The Man and got some innovated ideas._

**Well, that sure is amusing.**

_Naturally. He even developed a crush on Channing Tatum._

**At least that means he's off me. **

_Thank Moses! _

**Based on a true story, once again, for the millionth time.**

**i washed my phone along with my sweatshirts. **

**It was a sad and pitiful downfall.**

**So yeah...**


	47. barbie car

**Disclaimer: Barbie is a fabricated self portrait for seven year olds. Well, crap.**

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

…**What is that?**

_My new car._

**Bella…**

_It's pink! :o)_

**And rather...small.**

_It gets me places._

**Can you fit?**

_I can try._

**Bella, this can't possibly beat your truck.**

_Yuh-huh! To the ground._

What's goin' on?

_Edward doesn't like my Barbie Wrangler._

But I bought it especially for her!

**This is practically an insult.**

_Howww?_

**You won't let me buy you a legit, running car, but you let Alice buy you a toy one?**

_It was only like…Well, a lot less money than a real car._

And it runs!

_And it plays music!_

**So, this is what our world's come to.**

_Let's take it for a test drive._

-She attempts to sit in the tiny toddler-size seat, but ends up toppling to the side.-

_I think it's broken._

**So, my friends and I plan on getting a Barbie Car and driving it around all over the place and stuff.**

**yyyyyyyyyyyeah.**

**Thazit.**


	48. pop tart tattoo

**Disclaimer: I don't own Pop-Tarts, but I do have two boxes in my pantry. **

_Bella _**Edward**

_I'm so excited._

**Why is that?**

_I bought Pop-Tarts today._

**Have you ever counted how many times you mention Pop-Tarts?**

_No._

**Just wondering.**

_Anyways. In the box there was a tattoo. _

**Jesus.**

_And it has this little Pop-Tart astronaut standing next to a toaster and it says "to the moon" on it!_

**Spectacular?**

_Damn straight. I'm thinking of buying lots and lots of Pop-Tarts for my hibernation and making myself a sleeve._

**But it'll just wash off.**

_And I'd get to look extremely hardcore for a couple of days._

**Pink pastries just scream hardcore.**

_Word!_

**So I bought Pop-Tarts and...**

**I basically told the story here.**

**Only I'm not gonna make a sleeve.**

**Because that'd be ridicuhlus.**

**Well, yeah.**

**This tattoo kicks ass, and I'm ready to put it on as soon as I get this posted. :D**


	49. headstrowng

**Dislaimer: I don't own Twilight, or "Headstrong" or "Kiss Me".**

_Bella _**Edward**: Bella's bed. ;D

_Back off, I'll take you on. Headstrong to take on anyone!_

**I know that you are wrong?**

_And this is not…where you belong!_

_You'll wear those shoes and I will wear that dress…_

**Where did that one come from?**

_My pants. Or my dress, rather…get it? Cuz I'm wearing one. :DAnd you're wearing shoes! Woo!_

**Why are you wearing a dress, exactly?**

_Why not? Are we in Alaska again?! :o_

**No, but you're about to go to sleep…**

_Raindrops on roses and red woolen mittens._

_Mittens. Kittens. Cats. Jesus. _

**Logical sequence.**

**This one's slightly suckish, but the song was stuck in my head in class, **

**So yeah.**

**The next one will be way better though.**

**:D**


	50. pickup lines!

**Disclaimer: fjslkFJDSLKFJDSLFKS. **

**Warning: this one's longer than usual. w00t!**

_Bella _Alice **Edward**

_Do you have a map? Cuz I'm lost in yo' eyes._

That depends. Do you have a band-aid? Cuz I scratched myself falling for you!

**That really isn't an appropriate one for a vampire to use, technically.**

_Well, are you a parking ticket?_

**What?**

_Cuz you've got fine written all over you! _

OH! Excuse me miss?

_Yes?_

You dropped something back there.

_Really? What?_

My jaw!

_Oh, snap!_

I HAVE ANOTHER INNAPPROPRIATE ONE!

…**In the vampire sense?**

Yes. Have I seen you somewhere?

_-snicker- No._

Then it must have been in my dreams!

_Edward…_

…**Yes?**

_Do you have a mirror in your pants? Cuz I can see myself in them!_

Heheh. –Cough- So can I…

**Oh, Alice.**

_You sly dog, you._

**I have one!**

You sure your dignity party of one will be okay with it?

**:D Yah. I envy your lipstick.**

_WOOHOO!_

Excuse me, my friend over there is a little shy and would like your number…She needs a way to reach me in the morning.

_YUM. _

I seem to have lost my treasure; can I check your chest?

**…**

_Teeheeh. _

**I think you've got something in your eye.**

_NEVER MIND IT'S JUST A SPARKLE. HAHA. I know all._

**Poop. I liked that one, too.**

_Aw, you wanna try it again? You'll pick me up either way. Your place or mine? –Raises eyebrows suggestively-_

**Nah, it won't be the same the second time.**

_:o(_

**OMG. This one was amazing to write.**

**Pickup lines are the best form of comedy.**

**So, this was inspired by a reviewer from one of my other stories, actually, Emmett Goes To Day Camp...**

**Cuz when I said that reviews are fragrant, which, btw, if you're reading this, didn't mean anything so you don't have to worry about not understanding, neither do I,**

**"I need a map, I'm lost!"**

**and then i was like...**

**:O**

**So that's where that's coming from.**

**Also, once, this seventh grader that my friends are friends with, but he skeevs me out sometimes,**

**and goes, "Do you have a mirror in your pants-?"**

**but i cut him off and finished it so then he tried again with the treasure one, so i walked away from the manhoe.**

**But yeah.**

**I also have a big list of chapters that i have to write because lately my life has been throwing up funny experiences and such, so expect some of that later today or in the week.**

**if you care or something, i just talk a lot, but i'll shut up because i realize that this is longer than the actual chapter.**

**sorry. heh.**

**kbyefrealz.**


	51. pitch black

**Disclaimer: I don't own Febreze, but that would just kick ass.**

_Bella _**Edward **

_Ugh._

**What's wrong?**

_Last night, something awful happened._

**Have you ever noticed how many conversations you choose to start this way?**

_Yes. So, last night, I went downstairs to find my Febreze that Charlie stole…_

**He would.**

_And it was pitch black…Cuz he'd gone to bed about a minute before._

**Okay…**

_Keep in mind that the television and the sound for it have two different remotes._

**Oh, boy.**

_So I enter the living room, in the pitch blackness of it all, somehow standing on two feet the entire time, and all I hear is a man speaking in this low, eerie voice. But it was only the sound, not the picture. o.O_

**You should tell Charlie. He'd be much more careful next time.**

_That doesn't work, because he'd be so concentrated on remembering to turn it off that he'd forget so it would end up happening numerous times as opposed to never again._

**That makes sense.**

**This exact thing happened to me**

**Except with my phone charger...**

**i walk into my living room and no one else is home,**

**and it's 11:00 at night**

**and that's all i hear**

**a creepy man speaking.**

**it was awful. **


	52. guzzied!

**Disclaimer: puddin'.**

_Bella _**Edward **Alice Mike Newton!

Edward, can I drive the Volvo?

**No.**

Bella, you ask him.

_Mmmmmno._

-Pouts- Why not?

_Cuz he wouldn't be able to say no and I'd feel bad. Plus, there was that other time…_

**Heh.**

But Bella. It's _the _Volvo. You could have so much control!

**You're a tiny evil dictator.**

Except I wouldn't kill people and stuff. I'd give them makeovers.

No one gets all guzzied up over a Volvo.

_Shut up, Mike._

**So here's the story:**

**my friend jill calls me from her car**

**like "I JUST SAW A SILVER VOLVO!" and of course she was ecstatic**

**and then she starts laughing**

**and goes**

**"my mom just said 'nobody gets all guzzied up over a Volvo'. and i crack up. but then...**

**we were just like. :O ITS A VOLVO. but of course she sees not the greatness.**

**So yeah. **

**Mike would say that.**

**I love giving him parts in this story. it makes me feel like im doing my part for the world.**

**like recycling and stuff.**

**;D**

**do them r's.**


	53. birthday fun

**Disclaimer: I secretly own them all. **

_Bella _**Edward **Alice Mike Newton

_Why can't it be tomorrow already?_

**Why would you want it to be tomorrow?**

_Cuuuuz._

But then it wouldn't be your birthday!

Happy birthday, Bella! 

**Yeah, yeah, Newton.**

Yeah? Well…No, no, Cullen. OH.

_Why is he still here?_

**Why don't you want it to be your birthday?**

_I just don't like it. It's so depressing._

Why? At least you get a real one.

_Because. It's all "another year older and away from your boyfriend, woo!"_

**Bella, I am by far older than you. I don't think you have to worry.**

Um, I think she was talking to me, Cullen.

_WHY WOULD I BE TALKING TO YOU? GO AWAY._

Fierce one. Rawr.

Oh, ew, Mike. Just stop that whole breathing thing and we'll all be okay.

Ooh, you too. 

**Would you like me to personally kill you or would you prefer a skilled hit man?**

Hit man, please.

**Okay. I'll kill you myself, then.**

_Woohoo! That my birthday present?_

**It might as well be, since you're going to return anything else.**

_That is true. I have taught you well, grasshopper._

Bella, you're not a wise old Asian man!

_Who said?_

**Please don't be.**

**I have decided to make Bella's birthday on the same day as my own.**

**Don't judge me because I spent a whole five minutes of my birthday writing a chapter for a fanfic.**

**There wasn't too much going on anyway.**

**heh.**

**ReviewsPresents. XD**


	54. who let the dog out?

**Disclaimer: hooblah. **

_Bella _**Edward **JACOB :O

_YO!_

**OY!**

_I want a fruit cup._

**Why?**

_Mr. Banner called Mike Newton a fruit cup today, and_

**No lies?**

_None, man. So now I crave fruit in sugary syrup. _

I'll be the sugary fruit in your syrup.

_OH GOD JACOB. _

**Where did you come from?**

_Say "your pants" and I'll punch you in the face._

Fine. Bella's pants. 

_You seriously suck._

**Who let the dogs out?**

_HAHAHAHAHHA. That was good._

**It really wasn't. But that's what he thought I'd say, because the pup underestimates my wit so.**

_Pup is a palindrome, Eddy._

**I'm aware.**

**So I was in art, and my friend Nicole goes,**

**"my sister was listening to who let the dogs out yesterday," **

**and i was just like, i hate you. now it's stuck in my head. wtf.**

**and then i was like I LOVE YOU!**

**cuz i realized that i could use it for a chapter.**

**so then i did. but a few days later cuz i wrote it down but only wrote dogs and didn't know what it meant.**

**so yeah.**

**reviews?**


	55. unattractive sneezes

**FWEEEEEE!**

_Bella _**Edward** Alice

What is she doing, exactly?

**I…can't be sure.**

Bella…?

**She does this often…she'll just start making obscene faces out of nowhere.**

But we're in the middle of class.

**But she doesn't care.**

HAHAHA! OMG. Did you just see that?!

…**Yes.**

She sneezed!

_Mock me you shan't!_

But Bella…You just sneezed through a rather unsettling facial expression. That was hilarious.

_WAH!_

**Hopefully most people get it.**

**Just...**

**Picture it. Picture it now.**

**Pee first.**


	56. hiccups!

**jfDSLFKJSLGF.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_68 years!_

**Until what…?**

_A man had the hiccups for 68 years! How insane yo?_

**That…sucks.**

_You think if a vampire bit him they would have gone away?_

**I…suppose so. Vampires can't really get the hiccups...**

_Idiots!_

**Who?**

_Him, the doctors… They could have changed him into a vampire and he would've been cured._

**…**

**so in the agenda book things they give us at school, there's random facts in the corners of all the pages...**

**and i just realized like, today, and it was **

**"A man named Charles Oborne had the hiccups for 68 years!"**

**so then i pictured Bella being fascinated by such information.**

**ALSO...**

**All those reviews make me happy and I keep forgetting to write this in my A/N's, but...**

**THANKYOU! :D**

**I don't have the kind of time to reply to them, but if i did they would probably be along the lines of **

**"roffle! awesome! omgily! or thanksss!"**

**or something, cuz some of them make me giggz. (giggle o.O)**

**so yeah. rant over. just wanted to put that out there...**

**bai!**


	57. stone pillows

_Bella _**Edward **

_What the hell, wouldn't that defeat the purpose?_

**You need to stop doing that. Wouldn't what defeat the purpose?**

_It says here that ancient Egyptians slept on pillows made of stone._

**You've fallen asleep on me before…**

_It's different!_

**Not really.**

_DDIIIFFFEERREENNT!_

**But…**

_Fjdfkldjlksdblah! _

**Yet again, that agenda funfact thing...**

**Two consecutive short chapters...**

**equal one big one?**


	58. pound it

**Disclaimer: WHATEVER.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_EDWARD! I'm so overwhelmed!_

**With the wedding?**

_No, with my homework!_

**Just let me do it for you.**

_No. I must fail to learn that it doesn't matter._

**What?**

_Oh my God, since when was math so hard?_

**Since there became fractions.**

_Word. Pound it._

**…** He pounds her fist

**I have a load of crap to do**

**and i'm about to cry.**

**and so i spend my time doing this**

**and taking surveys on myspace.**

**i suck. **

**reviews?**


	59. noodles!

**Disclaimer: Edward Cullen is in fact, zesty. He isn't mine, though. Not in realistic terms.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Noodles!_

**Yep.**

_I eat them with passion!_

…**Clearly.**

_ZESTY SAUCE!_

**I'm sure.**

_ZESTY BOY!_

**Oh. That's me. :D**

_AWZ._

**What?**

_I dropped macaroni down my shirt!_

**…**

_Get it for me?_

**Bella…**

_OHYEAH. Heh. I'll get it myself._

**You do that.**

**This basically sucks,**

**but I was desperate to update.**

**Also, anyone who's interested, I'm nearly finished with Absorption,**

**I'm on the 13th chapter, I believe, & I'm done.**

**Soyeahhhhhh. :D**


	60. you're a lousy drunk

**Disclaimer: I don't own nuhthin', hoe!**

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

_Who wants cakes?_

**…o.O**

_Oh yeah. Blood cakes?_

**That sounds absolutely….**

_DON'T SAY IT. I KNOW WHAT YOUR MIDDLE NAME IS._

**What……?**

_Astonish._

**Are we back to this?**

_No. We are back to shit._

**Whaaaa?**

"_This" spells "Shit" if there were to be a universal shift and the letters were scrambled like eggs. Nifty, eh?_

**No.**

_Oh. So I'm not vampire material now?!_

**Bella…?**

_I FEEL SO OUTDATED._

I…am beyond confused.

**Me too…And I spend an awful lot of time with her. An eternity won't fix this one.**

Maybe she's drunk.

**Well, that would just suck. She's bad enough sober.**

You're just jealous that you can't get intoxicated with her.

**Am not.**

YOU JUST WANT AN EXCUSE TO--

**Bye, Alice.**

_Foshneeeeeeze! Iced!_

Ohhhh, irony.

_Ohhh, douchebaggery._

**No, you did not miss something,**

**No, you are not weirdly slow today**

**&No, I am not drunk.**

**But Bella sure is.**

**Drunk on Kool Aid and Sunny D.**

**Cuz she drank her weight in it, yo.**

**So yeah. reviews would be greatly appreciated.**

**This took like...seven entire minutes of my life. No frizzin' lies.**


	61. walking contradiction

**Disclaimer: I do not own P!atd's music.**

_Bella _**Edward **

_I hate it when people start talking about stuff that no one but them has any idea about but they insist on continuing even though it's utterly pointless._

…**Oh.**

_Like, the other day, Mike ran up to me in the parking lot and went, "the devil lives within me!" and ran away._

**That's cryptic…**

_Yeah._

**Maybe he lost a bet.**

_Or he just ate a turtle._

**…Why?**

_Because you, dear Sir Isaac Newton, are a hooligan! _

**Bella, you're a walking contradiction.**

_We've got the gunslinger extraordinaire, a walking contradiction!_

**Okay, so you're a gunslinger extraordinaire then. Read your first sentence.**

_Okay._

**Now read the rest.**

_Oh._

**You don't get it, do you?**

_No._

**Silly Bella.**

**Some things I wanna say...**

**That part where Mike said the devil lives within me was inspired by my friend jenny when**

**she told me this story of how her mom was talking to her about stuff she didn't feel like talking about so she stood up and said "THE DEVIL LIVES WITHIN ME!" and ran away. Which made me really happy. :D**

**The rest doesn't make sense...partly to prove that Bella is a hypocrite that doesn't make any sense, (at least here. :)**

**And partly because it's more fun that way. **


	62. pants

**This shall be a speech one, cuz it would be weird if they were passing notes...**

"I'll do it!" Bella threatened.

"Please don't," Edward replied, shaking his head in dismay.

"I will do it!"

"Bella…"

"DON'T THINK I WON'T!"

"But _why?"_

"Because."

"But we're in a public place…"

"I shall strike a deal with you, Morgan."

"…?"

"Morgan Freeman. He always plays God. Duh."

He sighed, and then said, "okay, what will this deal be?" disregarding her.

"I won't take my pants off in public if you promise to change me into a vampeeer."

"Bella, I have absolutely no intention of biting you here. Or now. Or at any time remotely close to this, for that matter."

"You must agree to do it in the vicinity of the next two weeks! OR THE PANTS COME OFF."

"…I guess it's not my dignity anyway…"

"Is that a no?" she pressed.

Edward nodded grimly.

And so, Bella, very nonchalantly of course, de-pantsed herself and resumed walking.

"This is how we _humans_," she spat, "roll!" She stuck out her tongue and pranced away.

**Haha. My friend told me this story of how when she was little she was always jealous of the other kids at the beach just got to run around without any clothes on**

**And how she'd threaten her mom and be like "I WILL TAKE MY SHIRT OFF! ILL DO IT! GET ME COOKIES!" **

**So yeah...**


	63. butts & stuff

**Disclaimer: I am not liable for any loss of the brain cells.**

Alice: "I went to the mall today."

Bella: "Shocker."

Alice: "Yeah. I bought some stuff."

Bella: "What's butts and stuff?"

Alice: "I…I bought some stuff."

Bella: "…Butts and stuff?"

--writer collapses laughing--

**REALLY REALLY SHORT. Obviously. Since you happen to be looking at it right now, and I happen to be captain obvious.**

**But this is so hilarious to me.**

**I slept over my friend Jenny's last night**

**And she was talking about how she had to buy stuff for camp, so she goes,**

**"I already bought some stuff, though" and I was like...**

**"What's butts and stuff?" cuz I really thought she said that**

**And she was just like... "I bought...some stuff..."**

**And I didn't hear again so I just go... "butts and stuff?"**

**And for some reason we couldn't stop laughing all night, maybe because it was 3 a.m.**

**I woke up in the middle of the night giggling and went back to sleep. **

**:D so yeah. **


	64. toupee

**Disclaimer: .**

_Bella _**Edward **Mike Newton: biology.

_MIKE! _

BELLAA!!

_Don't get too excited. I am angry with you, bubble boy._

What did I do to deserve such?

_YOU ATE ALL MY GODDAMN GRANOLA BARS._

LIES! I don't even like granola bars.

You say that now…

But I didn't!

_Well, who else could it have been? Obviously not Edward, because,_

**I AM ALLERGIC TO GRANOLA…**--coughs--

Well, I'm allergic to bars.

_Was that supposed to be a touché?_

**More like toupee…**

_HAHA! What's gonna work?!_

…**Teamwork.**

_I love you._

**I love you too.**

I love you more.

_Yes. Yes, you do._

**Much more.**

_MORE TOUPEES!_

**Yes, two in one night. I'm rather proud of myself.**

**This was actually really funny to me...**

**The toupee thing is, in fact, as stupid as you think.**

**That's about it. kbye.**


	65. FEAR LARS!

**I know it's short; I'm trying to get 11, 111 words:D  
**

_Bella _**Edward **Alice: bio.

I'm bored. Bella, tell a us a story.

_Kay! There once was a bear of gummy named Lars._

**…**

_He fatefully ran into a pillow full of sugar and got stuck in it. He screamed but suffocated in the cotton candy. No help came. He ate his way through and got really fat. He turned into a giant, life-sized gummy bear set on massacring Forks. FEAR LARS!_

Oh, my.

**My friend asked me to tell her a story once so I told this. **


	66. what? nothing

**Disclaimer: I claim to dis the rights to twilight.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_I wanna go to New York City!_

**Oh, boy.**

_What?_

**Nothing…**

_What?_

**Nothing…**

_Progress is ceasing to be made!_

**Blah!**

_:o_

**What?**

_Nothing…_

_**What?**_

_Nothing…_

**Because you'd be engulfed by crowds.**

_What?_

**Your first question.**

_Boo!_

**What?**

_You never say stuff like blah…_

**Heeh. this amuses me.**

**And for the record!**

**Chapter Seven: Oh My Edward.**

**Damn straight, I used it.**

**:D**


	67. MUMMEH!

**FJDSKLFJDSLFDJDSLGJDSLF.**

_Bella _**Edward** Alice

_A telemarketer called my house yesterday._

**Oh?**

_Yeah. And I answered with "IT'S TOO MUSHY!"_

**Why?**

_Because._

**Why?**

_Because._

**We're not doing this again.**

_And then he asked if my mommy was home and I took great offense._

**Aw.**

_Yeah. So then I screamed "MUMMEHHHH!" and hung up._

**Why?**

_Because._

You both suck.

**True story...**

**Minus the "IT'S TOO MUSHY" part.**

**fjkdajgdlfd.**


	68. my lord

**... o.O?**

_Bella _**Edward**

_OMGSTFU._

**Huh?**

_Not you._

**Then who?**

_Evverrryyoonnnee._

…**Huh?**

_That Jessica freakin' Stanley is a freakin' skank._

**Ahh…**

_I heard her talking to some freakin'…………oh, Lauren. And she was all, "Edward, my Lord, Edward!"_

**Whaaat?**

_Okay, so she said "he's hot" but still. She must be stopped! …Even though you are pretty damn hawt._

**You only want me for my butt.**

_You know it._

**Only those that have seen Sweeney Todd will get that My Lord nonsense.**

**Remember the part where Beadle was singing to Turpin and he was like, "lyricslyricslyrics my lord lyrics my lord lyrics lyrics my lord my lord!"**

**Yeah. So now my friends and I choose to call people "My Lord" at random times in our conversations.**


	69. eye black!

**Disclaimer: YOUUURRFFACCCEEEEGJKSLFJDS?**

_Bella _**Edwrad **Alice Tyler Crowley, yo!: Bio.

_I'm booored._

**Yeah, it only gets worse after so many times…**

_Oh, crap._

**What?**

_I forgot my eyeliner. :o(_

**You don't need that gunky poop on your face.**

_FSLFJLSK!! DID ANYONE ELSE JUST SEE EDWARD CULLEN "SAY" THAT?! …Do it again. But with words._

**No.**

Oh, don't even!

_What? How did you even get the paper, Tyler? GIVE UP!_

…**?**

It's called eye black, bitch!

_Excuse me?_

I should know!

**Would you like to check the label, or do you have your own "eye black"?**

HOE!

_Toupee!_

**Okay so...**

**I'm in Earth Science, right?**

**And this kid, who happens to be the biggest egotistical disgusting asshole I've ever encountered,**

**was talking to these girls or whatever**

**And they mentioned eyeliner**

**And he goes "it's not even called eyeliner! it's called eye black. the kind that you put under your eyes? yeah that's eye black. it's not even called eyeliner. No, seriously. It's called eye black."**

**And I'm just sitting there laughing because he WILL NOT SHUT UP, but he does that all the time and everyone just throws up on him in their minds**

**And I go "you would know" but i don't think anyone heard me. )o:**

**It was really funny though. :D**


	70. ya drunk bastard

**Disclaimer: I do not own Dixie Cups.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Where for art thou oatmeal man?_

**What?**

_I need your delicious legos!_

**Uh…**

_Yes, my name is Claire Danes._

You wish.

_Obviously. _

**I wish I understood…**

_You shall not!_

**Alice, explain it to me.**

Silly, Edward. I don't get it either. She's drunk.

_AM NOT!_

On sleep depravation.

_Well, maybe a little._

**This is weird.**

_Forizzles._

**If anyone has Relay For Life in their community...**

**I went last night.**

**And I didn't sleep at all.**

**And I went to bed at 6:30 AM today, but woke up at 10:30 for some reason and couldn't fall back asleep.**

**And if I sleep now I'll never get up for school tomorrow, so this is me right now.  
**

**I can't walk straight or anything. I vaguely remember saying stupid shit last night, so now it feels like I was drunk and now am hung over. LFKJSFDSL.**

**So that's where this comes from, that was far from entertaining so I'll let you get back to your lives. Bye. :D**


	71. nospaces

**Myspacebarbroke,nolies.**

_Bella_**Edward**

_I'mhungry)o:Lalalalalala._

**Whyisyourtextsoclosetogether?**

_Whyisyours?_

**Becauseyoursis.**

_Conformist._

**Nuh-uh.**

_Yuh-huh._

**Theteacherislookingatusfunny.**

_No,that'sJessica.She'ssittingbehindusandwasjustmakingstupidfaces._

**Why?**

_BecauseAlicetoldherthatturnsyouon._--Makesastupidface--

**Oh,yum.**

_You'repunny._

**Ishouldreallygetanewkeyboard.  
**

**Or-I-could-start-doing-this-but-that's-really-freakin'-annoying.**

**Notthatthisismuchbetter.**

**Well,I'llshutupsincethisisprobablymakingsomeonereallyangry.**


	72. papur planes

**Disclaimer: I disclaim this.**

_Bella _Alice

_Oh, that Michael Newton._

You're obsessed, man.

_He's just so…ICK._

What did he do now?

_He threw a pick-up line at me. Literally._

Yeah, with that poorly made paper plane.

_If you knew, why'd you ask?_

So that I wouldn't appear arrogant.

_That must have taken some strength._

You's a poop.

_Lieeees. I wanna get back at Newton._

For what?

_Being alive. _**(A/N: those his presence is amazingly amusing…)**

Fair enough!

_What would happen if I put a hedgehog in his pants? --decides--_

HEHEHEHEHEH. MISCHIEF! MISCHIEF! **(Sweeney Todd! :D)**

_YAY!_

**I took a Social Studies State Assessment today, and I finished really early, so I wrote this fun stuff.**

**There's more, but I'm not sure if I'll post them, because they're slightly...stupid. Unless you've watched fuse's Whitest Kids You Know?**

**But yeah. Review. :D**

**I reference things way too much. Sorry. XD**


	73. fjdsklgjlfds

**Disclaimer: Too much stuff. I don't own any of it, obviously.**

_Bella _**Edward **

_IT'S SATURDAY!_

**No it isn't.**

_Oh, but it is._

**You need to stop watching that show.**

_Whites Kids? Nawwww._

**Yeah. Those guys are assholes.**

_But they're so funny! …Usually. I mean, imagine if Lincoln really was killed by an annoyed bystander who couldn't handle his stupid antics._

**…**

_I lost the game!_

**Now I'm gonna be losing it.**

_Mhm._

**Blah.**

_Lol. Watch what you say around my mama!_

**She didn't raise you in the dirty south.**

_ARIZONA!_

**But it wasn't dirty.**

_YOU'RE dirty. Ya hoe._

**Heheh.**

_Weird._

**What?**

_Bwahahaha._

**This probably won't make ANY sense to most of you.**

**So here's the deal:**

**I felt like posting this cuz it was just staring at me waiting to be typed, so...**

**/watch?v8SKt9eOEHXA (that's the "ITS SATURDAY" Whitest Kids U' Know video)**

**/watch?vr6sGS9I-jA (and that's the Lincoln thing)**

**They're basically comedy sketches a bunch of guys did on a show that seemed to disappear off the fuse network...**

**keep in mind that they're really racy & stuff, so it's PG13, but so is this story, so who the hell really cares.**

**LALA. &the dirty south thing was Family Force 5's Kountry Gentlemen.**

**:D**

**I USE TOO MANY REFERANCES. fdjkalfds.  
**

**OH. omg, and I'm still not done?! sorry, just ignore this & the chapter if you'd like, I'm sort of sucking right now:**

**"the game": **

**rather than explaining it, which takes too long and is too hard, I'll give you a wikipedia link. :D**

**en./wiki/TheGame(mindgame)**

**And if these links don't work, or whatever, don't bother. Really. I just have too much time on my hands due to procrastinating doing my homework.**

**Sorry about this. lol.**

**DONE! XD**


	74. more hiccups!

**Disclaimer: doomdooomdoomdododooomodoomdoooooom.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_I have the hiccups!_

**Aw. They sound so cute!**

_They're irritating. Freakin' diaphragm spasms. _

**Getting rather technical there.**

_YA PROUD OF ME PA?!_

**Please don't refer to me as that…**

_True. It's kind of creepy sounding._

**What would you do if I had a secret vampire-baby stowed away?**

_What kind of a question is that?_

**The tables have turned young one!**

_What?_

**It's usually you saying this ridiculous crap.**

_-hiccups-_

**I finally gots me another keyboard.**

**It's crappy and old, but it shall do.**

**See?**

** (spaces!)**

**woohoo!**


	75. stache

**Disclaimer: Why do I bother? Oh, that's right. I don't.**

_Bella _**Edward **

_What would you do if I had a mustache?_

**Like hair above your upper lip or a full-fledged 'stache? **

_Like a full-fledged 'stache. One that I could curl mischievously._

**I would probably be either confused or incredibly amused…**

_Would you still be friends with me?_

**I love you :D**

_Yes, but would you like, let me go out in public?_

**That wouldn't be up to me.**

_But if it was?_

**Well, if you liked said mustache, I wouldn't force it away from you…**

_You aren't seriously implying that you think I want facial hair._

**Okay. So I'd discreetly get you a razor, then.**

_So you wouldn't support my deformity, then?_

**But…**

_Heeheeh. Just kidding. I would look stupid with a mustache anyway. What if I had an extra butt, though?_

**My friend has asked me that mustache questions at least 64 times.**

**Also, check out my new one-shot if you have time (shameless advertising)**


	76. more? wonderpets

_Bella _**Edward** Emmett

_Attention hoes and pimps!_

**Uh…**

I'm listening.

_We have a special treat for you tonight!_

**Oh, dear.**

Oh, dear it is! I'm so excited. Is it cake?

**Emmett, you're a vampire!**

Haven't we been through this?

**Yes.**

_But anyways._

**Okay, Bella, what's your surprise?**

_What's gonna work?_

TEAMWORK!

_WHAT'S GONNA WORK?!_

TEAMWORK!!

_Yay!_

**This is an extra chapter because I think I've already done the Wonderpets thing already**

**But I was looking through my reviews because I have this notepad document where I write down all my ideas for future use**

**and I saw "Duck Sauce" and I can't remember for the life of me what the hell that means,**

**so I was hoping that maybe that was an idea a reviewer left...**

**And when I didn't find anything because I stopped at the fifth page,**

**I saw one that said "i think u should do a chapter were bella is talking to edward and emmett, and all of a sudden she starts to wright the wonderpet theme song!"**

**&so, ginnylookalike42, I did. :D**

**And pleeeaasseee if you left something about duck sauce (slim chance, i know)**

**please tell me! it's driving me insane, lol. (:**


	77. mosquitoes

**I don't own Pokemon. I never even watched it, you silly socks!**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Oh my Pokemon._

**I'm beyond arguing you at this point. What is it?**

_I just realized something._

**What?**

_Well, you know how I have massive amounts of bug bites?_

**Yes…I feel so bad. They look so creepy.**

_They are. And itchy. Which IS creepy. I just counted my twenty-first one. My bug bites are legal drinking age, Edward. I'M NOT EVEN LEGAL DRINKING AGE._

**Is that your realization? Your red bumps get to get drunk before you do?**

_No, I don't even like alcohol. What I was going to say was that, if you think about it…_

**Any thought processes you may have scare me. Must I?**

_Y__ou must, dear sir. Mosquitoes are like little mini vampires._

**Mosquitoes sparkle?**

_Well, no, that would be terrifying._

_But they suck blood…_

**I don't like to be connected with mosquitoes.**

_HAHAHAH wouldn't it be weird if, like vampires, mosquitoes could turn you into one of them with a bite? :O THEY PROBABLY CAN OH MY GOODNESS EDDIEPOO._

**What?**

_WHAT IF LIKE…ALL THESE BITES MAKE ME A BUGGIE?_

**I don't think they will.**

_EEEEK! QUICK! BITE ME!_

**Nice try.**

_Ya butt._

**I literally have about 19 bugbites. & that aint no exaggeration.**

**It's horrible, so I thought I'd give Bella some.**


	78. more pie!

_Bella _**Edward**

_Edward, what were you doing around 1950?_

**I don't remember…why?**

_You weren't in the pie business?_

**Er…No. Why?**

_I'm eating your banana cream pie. "Since 1950".  
_

**Haven't you mentioned this already?**

_NO! I mentioned the key lime pie. YOU HAVE COME OUT WITH A NEW FLAVOR._

**But since it's Since 1950, doesn't that mean it's not new?**

_I don't need your negativity._

_But on the bright side, the pie is delicious. Much like you._

**Cool beans.**

**I bought Edward's Banana Cream Pie today.**

**It's like a sequel to the Key Lime Pie, lol.**

**jfsdklsjfsd**


	79. fireworks, baby

**Disclaimer: Just Mike Newton. That's it. (;  
(more) shameless advertising: check out my new one-shot, "bonding time!" if you feel like it. random & fun (:**

_Bella _**Edward** Mike Newton?

_What month is it!_

**July…**

_And what day?!_

**Friday.**

_No, you silly goose. The other one._

**The fourth?**

_Yep! And you know what that means!_

**The fourth of July?**

_YEP! This day is so cool._

**How so?**

_I don't know._

Hey, Bella, you wanna go see some fireworks light up as we set off our own? (a/n: imagine this very fake-suave and seductive.)

_I hate this day._

**The fourth of freakin' July. Who cares?**

**Okay, so we're not under British rule anymore, or whatever,**

**but screw that. The Brits talk cooler and everything. **

**We didn't know what we had going for us.**

**Just kidding. I just really dislike this day right now.**

**Family gatherings are annoying.**

**(And my neighbors are playing _bagpipes_).**

**?!**


	80. brake for unicorns

**true story.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Edward!_

**Yes?**

_I was in the car with Alice today, and you'll never guess what the license plate of the car in front of us said!_

**Brake for Unicorns.**

_):_

**I'm sorry. Alice thought me.**

_It's okay. But isn't it so great?_

**It's pretty awesome…**

_You don't seem excited._

**I'm writing.**

_But I just looked at your face!_

**…** -grins-

_YAY!_

**except i wasn't in the car with alice... **


	81. wrinklebutt

**Disclaimer: I do not own Orbit, kthnxbye.**

_Bella _Alice

_I love those Orbit commercials…_

You lint licker!

_Son of a biscuit eating bulldog!_

Psh. Doody-head cootie queen!

_Stinky McStink face!_

You Hoboken.

_Wrinklebutt._

What the French toast..?

**I found "wrinklebutt" in my ideas folder under "notes" so, hey. why not.**

**i'm not sure where it came from though...i forget a lot of these things.**


	82. asparagi

**lalalalalalala...**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Some things are really hard to pluralize…_

**Déjà vu…**

_No, that's easy._

…**No, what I mean is "mooses, meeses, meese". **(A/N: chapter 27)

_Yeah, now you're getting the hang of it._

**…**

_Like Asparagus. _

**Asparaguses. **

_That sounds stupid. _

_Asparagi._

**Er…Not quite.**

_Not loud._

**Oy.**

**I wonder how long a single notes story can go on for...**

**i'm on chapter 82! :o**

**I don't really know what to do...**

**Stop or go to chapter 643534?**

**who's gonna read all _that_? lol.**


	83. eggrolls!

**Disclaimer: NOTHING AT ALL. literally, here, guys.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_So, like…_

**Yes?**

_I've been wondering…_

**Yeeeees?**

_Are there eggs in egg rolls?_

**-sigh- No, I don't think so.  
**

_Then, what the Hell?_

**Well, it's the same as egg noodles. It's the type of dough. I think.**

_Oh, so there are like…eggs in the dough?_

**I'm not really sure. Human food isn't exactly my specialty.**

_Omigosh. Imagine if_

**I'd rather not.**

_Let me finish! Imagine if an egg roll all of a sudden hatched!_

**I rest my case.**

**MaximumBasketCase: **can you do one bout eggrolls?  
cause i really dont know if egg is in eggrolls...  
im confused .

**Well, there you go! :D**

**But you see, I really don't know what the deal is with that...**

**So don't review saying,  
**

**"UHMKAY EGG ROLLS ARE CALLED THAT BECAUSE #(#(#, KAYTHANKYOUVERYMUCH. -snaps fingers in a z-formation-"**

**Because I don't care.**

**(:**


	84. america's best dance crew

**Thanks to crystalwolfberri for the idea! (:  
&YES, edward started! :o**

_Bella _**Edward **

**Bella, what are you watching?**

_Uh…My favorite show ever._

**America's Best Dance Crew, Bella? Really?**

_YES. _

**Alright. Who's your favorite?**

_FANNY PAKS! I love their name. :3_

**Ah. Logical. **

_Eddy-poo?_

**Yes?**

_Can we enter?_

…**What?**

_ALL OF US! I wanna be on that show!_

**Bella…I'm not sure if that's the…best idea. For you. –cough-**

_YOU THINK I DON'T HAVE WHAT IT TAKES?_

**That's not it, exactly…**

_Then what?_

**It's just…you have trouble walking, love.**

_Oh, stop being such a pessimist. You guys would win. I could be the uncoordinated one that you had to put in your crew! Yeah._

**Er…**

_ALICE!_

**You're writing.**

_Damn._

**I feel these are increasing in length!**

**wooohoooo!**


	85. what a hoe

**Disclaimer: lalalallalalalalalallafdlkjfds.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_What a hoe!_

**Hm?**

_Miss freakin' Piggy._

**…………………****How so?**

_She dresses like a hooker, Edward._

**She's a pig puppet on a children's show.**

_Ever heard of subliminal messaging?_

**Yes, but—**

_Well, she obviously wants to do Kermit!_

**…**

_OMIGOSH. It's like us!_

**Eh?**

_They're not of the same species, and Kermit is denying Miss Piggy!_

**Bella, I don' think that's exactly the same.**

_How so?_

**Do you see anyone's hand stuck up our butts?**

_No, I do not._

**Well, there you go.**

_I really don't see what that has to do with anything. I mean, it _would _be pretty odd to have someone's hand up my butt, and rather violating, but what does that have to do with anything…?_

**-smacks self in head repeatedly-**

**So first off, credit to the idea goes to IheartBooth. :D  
**

**Second, I've been getting loads of requests lately, which is awesommmmme, I must say,**

**but I've got so many right now that any more might make my head explode,  
**

**So if you don't mind, I'm gonna turn that off for now,**

**but hold those thoughts, folks! XP**

**When I've gotten 'em all done I'll be all,**

**"fire away!"**

**mmmmmmkay. (: thanks for readin'!**


	86. bananas

_Bella _**Edward**

_You know what's a weird fruit?_

**Bananas.**

_OMIGOSH. YOU CAN READ MY MIND AFTER ALL?_

**No, but Alice had a vision of you smashing one against a wall, so I just sort of figured.**

_Oh. I wasn't aware of this._

**Well, that is because you are not a psychic.**

_Neither is Alice._

**How so?**

_She just makes lucky guesses._

**Every time?**

_Exactly._

**jesebud asked for a chap about bananas.**

**Well, there ya go! (:**


	87. waterapple

_Bella _**Edward**

_Guess what?_

**What?**

_I'm an evil scientist._

**Are you, now?**

_Yes. And I do experiments on unsuspecting fruits!_

**Say what?**

_Yeah. Like…I'm gonna make the first waterapple._

**And what, may I ask, is a waterapple?**

_A watermelon and a pineapple mixed together in a clever combination of the DNA._

**Fruit has DNA?**

_Idunno. How else would you do it?_

**-Sigh-**

**heels-over-head101 asked me to do one on watermelons/pineapples, I believe.**

**thereyougo!(:**

**oh, & no requests for now, please. **

**i'll take those once I get through my list, lol.**

**kbyethanksforreading! :D**


	88. collages&IMs&mikenewton?

_Bella: ImALambBah!_

**Edward: ImALionRawr?** (courtesy of Bella)

Alice: xxPixie

Emmett: BurlehBeyur

_ImALambBah!: Ohmigosh. Why didn't we do this sooner?_

**ImALionRawr?: Because the notes concept was pointless anyway. Why add technology to it?**

_ImALambBah!: Because my hand doesn't cramp up as easily this way!_

XxPixie: This is so much fun!

_ImALambBah!: You know what would be really fun?_

**ImALionRawr?: What?**

_ImALambBah!: A college. _

**ImALionRawr?: Finally, you see my point!**

_ImALambBah!: When have you ever mentioned making a college before?_

**ImALionRawr?: Now I'm stumped.**

_ImALambBah!: Or is it callage?_

XxPixie: OH. I get it.

**ImALionRawr?: Oh, whatever. You so knew before.**

Xxpixie: Yes. Yes I did.

_ImALambBah!: Colloge?_

**ImALionRawr?: Collage.**

_ImALambBah!: Okay!_

BurlehBeyur: Hey, guys!

ImALionRawr? has signed off.

ImALambBah! has signed off.

XxPixie has signed off.

BurlehBeyur: But I was gonna tell you guys about how a bird pooped on Mike Newton's head today…

**Collage idea goes to Smexii Bruisie**

**&IMing idea goes to TeamJacob101 **

**(:**

**And, clearly, I was very uncreative with the screennames.**

**So I made them the different fonts to make up for that, lol.**


	89. zebras

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

_Hey, Edward?_

**Yes?**

_I have a question._

**Shoot.**

_AYEAYE! Where are your shoes?_

**On…my feet?**

Don't be such a party pooper, Edward. Honestly.

**I'm just sayin'… Besides, you have no idea what she's talking about either.**

That means nothing!

**So, Bella…you were in the middle of one of your complex thoughts?**

_It's like…_

**What?**

_It made sense in my head, Eddy. It really, really did. _

**I wouldn't know…-grumbles-**

_I am grinning!_

**I see.**

_Stop ruining it!_

**I'll do my best, but since I **_**am **_**a party pooper…**

That would be problematic. Try wearing this rainbow party hat.

**You don't have one.**

Oh, I will.

_Can it be zebra striped?_

Rainbow zebra striped…?

_Zebras are boss._

**I am very excited about this chapter.**

**It's the first one I'm writing of my own ideas in...six chapters!**

**Wowza. **


	90. CHAPTER 90 ! ? remotes

**Disclaimer: I'm back to finishing up those requests. But please, no more for now. Soon, though!**

_Bella _**Edward **Emmett

_IT'S ON!_

**What's on?**

_Emmett doesn't think I can do it, Edward._

**Do what?**

Well, that's because you're Bella! It's an assumption I can safely make.

_Edward, kill him!_

**Gladly. But I'd really like some reasoning to my actions. Just to be safe with Carlisle.**

Bella threw the remote control across the room in a fit of rage and—

**Wait…What possessed her to do that?**

_Hey, I'm right here!_

**Right. What possessed you to do that?**

_Well, I wanted Kitara and Zuko to get together…_

**On…Avatar: The Last Airbender?**

_Yes._

Bella, seriously. Everyone knows it's AangxKitara!

**…You are both scaring me.**

_I challenge you burly man!_

To?

_Well, really, the most I can do with any hope of winning is by betting you that I'd be able to take that remote apart entirely, more than it already is, in under ten minutes!_

-Scoff- You are on. (Psst. Edward, she so won't be able to.)

_I AM STILL HERE._

That is true. 

**Goodness.**

**Requested by Smexii Bruisie**

**I don't own Avatar, lolz.**

**The series finale was epic, man. -laughs at self-**


	91. eth ith minion!

**Do not question my terrible knowledge of time periods! lawl. -shuts up- carry on...**

_Bella _Alice Jasper

_Fetch me a glass of water, minion!_

I am not your minion!

_Jasper, whereth hast though gone…eth?_

I've been here the entire time.

_ETH._

Eth.

_Thank you-eth._

So, Bella, will you ever stop with this nonsense? Eth?

_It is not nonsense-eth! I am embracing the beauty of the medieval times-eth!_

This is what we get for taking her to a medieval fair…

Yeah. The sad part is that I saw this coming but figured the trade-off was worth it.

What were you expecting us to get in exchange?

I would have an excuse to go to all the booths and buy things!

Of course.

_ETH!_

Damn. I thought for sure she'd disappeared inconspicuously again.

_Hey, was this "eth" stuff even from the medieval times, anyway?_

Idunno.

_Yes, you do…_

That is true.

**So, first off.  
**

**Tyler Arianna requested that I use Alice, Jasper, and Bella. So here ya go!**

**Knight of dreams requested the medieval fair. So that's that. (:  
**

**Hope you guys liked it!**

**I probably should have used "ith" instead, huh? Well, I guess I'll embrace my misshapen iths. I make no sense...**

**Also, no requests for now PLEEEASE. I've got a large list going for ideas. (:**

**One last thing: Yes, this is shameless advertising. Well, partially shameless. I'm working on it.**

**Anyone who would like to check out some of my other stories, please feel free! :wink, wink: **

**haha, alright, I'll leave you all to your business. Thanks for reading!**


	92. dress

**Teeheeh.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_I love you…_

**I wouldn't exist without you.**

_Would you do anything for me, Edward?_

**Of course.**

_Are you sure?_

**Absolutely.**

_Would you wear…_

**…**

_A dress? For me?  
_

**Er…**

_YOU DON'T LOVE ME._

**Of course I do! I…I suppose I would.**

_Really?!_

**-sigh- Yes.**

_You do love me! :3_

**I really do.**

_Well, I don't actually want to see you in a dress. That might be less than pleasant, though you could pull of any look._

**Then why did you ask?**

_I just wanted to see what you'd say._

**You will hold this over me forever.**

_Oh, no doubt._

**Don't tell Emmett.**

**I am proud to say that I got this idea from my deoderant.**

**Degree Ultra Clear. There's a dress on it. (:**

**Review please!  
**

**I'm soooo close to 1000. XDDD**

**You guys are awesome, by the way. :D**


	93. wrangler

**There is a story behind this. -braces self for sarcastic gasps- Just wait for it.**

_Bella _**Edward **Emmett

_Ohmigosh._

**What?**

_Remember when you first told me the name of Emmett's car and I giggled?_

**What, 'Wrangler'?**

_Yes. _

What about my child?

_Well, I was all "I've never seen one of these in Forks before!"_

Yes, and?

_Well, I see them ALL THE TIME now._

Okay.

_DO NOT OKAY ME! THIS IS CRAZZZZZY!_

Not really…

_I have a sixth sense._

**What's that?**

_I can sense when there's a Jeep Wrangler nearby._

**That's nice…**

_Yeah. And you'll know 'cause I'll be jumping around going "WRANGLER!"_

Good to know.

_Isn't it, though?_

**Geez. **

_Louise._

-snort-

**What?**

She's a funny bunny. 

**You frighten me.**

_EDDY-POO IS SCAYURED!_

**Look at his face, Bella.**

_-snort-_

**What is with the snorting?**

_You're purrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-ty. Like a kitty. _

**LION.**

**So, once...my friend and I were walking home and we were bored...**

**so we decided to look for Cullen cars.**

**and we were like I have never seen a Jeep Wrangler in this town. Ever. **

**Then...we stood on the corner of her street, deciding that I couldn't leave until we saw one. **

**And then I started to walk away...and we saw one. Then it happened again. **

**And now...THEY ARE EVERYWHERE.**

**It's freakin' insanity. I don't know where they all came from.**

**Maybe Emmett's butt...XD**

**Anyways, review, please. I wanna have 1000 by the time I get to my hundredth chapter. **

**It'll be cooler that way, lol. :D**

**Also...it probably stopped making sense towards the end. Go with it. (;**


	94. berserk

**Weee!  
**

_Bella _**Edward**

_OHMIGOOOOOOOOSSSHHHERS._

**Again with this?**

_Yes._

**So what is it this time?**

_Nothing…_

**Of course there's something. You just "OHMIGOOOOOOOSSSHHHHERS"-ed.**

_So? I can't OHMIGOSHER (plus some extra vowels) just for the hell of it?_

**No.**

_Why not?_

**Because when you have no reasoning, you just "WEEE!".**

_You have gone berserk, Edward._

**…**

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAOHMIGOOOOOOOOSSSHHHHERS!

**………………**

_Berserk. Hahah._

**Er…?**

_Berserk, berserk, berserk. What a lovely word._

**Okay…?**

_You should be used to this by now._

**I think **_**you've**_** gone completely berserk, love.**

_HAHAHAHAHAHAOMGROFFLE. _

**Example A…**

**At some point, maybe in Eclipse, but it could have also been in New Moon, Bella used berserk. **

**And it made me happy.**

**Cuz that word is funnnnsttufff. :D**

**Anyways, review! I'm thiiiiis close. XDDD**

**&All of you who do, thank you sooooo much. You make my self esteem rise to the positives. lol**

**just kidding. i'm not that pathetic. o.O kbye!**


	95. TM

**LALALALA.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_That is such a load of matza!_

**I should be used to this by now. I really, really should.**

_Are they allowed to do that?_

**Do **_**what**_**?**

_Rip off other companies._

**Please continue.**

_Cookie Crisp™ totally stole the idea for the Trix™ rabbit. _

**How so?**

_Do you not see the Cookie Crisp™ wolf?! It's all, I WILL GET MY COOKIE CRISP! And then the rabbit is all I WILL GET MY TRIX! Except Trix™ was here first._

**You just love making those ™ signs.**

_Yes. It's just not right, Sir Elton John._

**IwillnotcommentIwillnotcommentIwillnotcomment.**

**…****Why?**

_Because I knight thee a muffin top._

**Okay, bye.**

**She has finally pushed him over the edge...**

**Anyways, please please pleeeeease review! **

**(I'll give edward is my homeboy credit for this idea, since you did think of it, too. ;)**


	96. in my pants

**Both song titles belong to the Foo Fighters. (:**

_Bella _**Edward**

_Edward?_

**Yes?**

_Pick a random song. _

**Why?**

_Just do it! _

**Er…Monkey Wrench.**

_What? NO. A different one. _

**Have It All?**

_Hahahahahahah, nice._

**What?**

_Huh? _

**Why?**

_Because. _

**Explain that, please.**

_Well, the point of the game is—_

**Game?**

_I'm explaining! You make people choose random songs, and then add "in my pants" to the end. It's fun pancakes!  
_

**Ah…**

_I mean, really, Edward. Monkey Wrench in my pants?_

**I didn't know the rules then!**

_I have taught you well._

**Enough Space in my pants. **

_Heeheeh! Up top!_

**You're supposed to stick your palm up first.**

_Oh, whatevs._

**YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! **

**You guys are so friggin' sweet. I have made it to 1000 reviews!  
THAANKYOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU! XD**

**It's the best part of my week ROFFLE.**

**Yeah, so anyways,**

**In a review, ****itsSwitzerlish mentioned this game,**

**except not with song titles...and I got really excited 'cause it's something I used to do all the time with my friends.  
**

**I had to change that part to make it work with the notes, but it's still the same concept. XD**

**Also, I'd like to point out that Edward is nearing his breaking point.**

**Soon enough, he'll probably be just as bad as Bella. I mean, he never would have played along with the game in chapter eleven...XP**

**But yeah. You guys are all pretty awesome. Thanks for reviewing! (:**


	97. ftsdgsdf

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

_Let's play a game!_

**Again?**

_You don't enjoy my games? –bottom lip quivers—_

**No.**

_Okay. So here's how it goes:_

**…****I tried.**

_Write random letters!_

**Why?**

_Must we go through this process again, Edward?_

…**fjdewqjrf.**

_Ooh. That's a hard one._

_Flapjacks just don't exercise with quiet judgment, right Fez? _

**Um…**

_GET IT? I made it a sentence!_

**…**

_Your turn. Dsawewrg._

**Er… Damn, some artists waste eggs when raiding gnomes.**

_Not bad for a first try. _

I wanna play!

_Okay! Pfsdksdl!_

Exclamation point mandatory?

_Of course._

Pillaging farmers seems devastating, King, so don't lie!

_Ooh. Nice._

**Why is hers better? ):**

_Because she didn't insult my authority._

**Oh.**

**I do this every time someone fjdslkgjsd's when IMing me and such.**

**It's fun. (:**

**jkdfnhkjdfn!**

**just kidding don't freakin' nag her killer jerky. damn fig newtons! **

**YAY!**


	98. breaking dawn & announcement

**OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGETC.**

_Bella _**Edward**

_OHMIGOSH, Edward._

**What?**

_Breaking Dawn is out._

**Yes, I know.**

_I'm so excited._

**It's weird though. People read about us…and stuff.**

_Yeah. But at least they don't know everything!_

**That is true.**

_Like the time I got my foot stuck in your toilet._

**That wasn't fun.**

_Not it was not._

**Written the day Breaking Dawn came out. :D **

* * *

_**ATTENTION ALL READERS!!**_

I'm sorry this isn't an actual update to the story, but an update it is indeed.

I have some news!

A lot of you are going to hate me deeply because of this, and I will have you know that I am absolutely heartbroken with this decision of mine, but...

Pens & Sharpies will end at 100 chapters.

I have sucked these characters dry and it must end at one point. BUT, keep reading for the upside.

Since I can't just stop writing these things, I have created a new notes story over at my fictionpress account.

It's basically the same stuff, only with my own original characters. I have posted a short bio for all six of them, and it will basically be the same thing as this story, except without the Twilight characters. I know I will lose most readers because of this, and of course that's expected.

I'm scared of posting the last two chapters because I want them to be absolutely perfect.

Really. I am DEVASTATED. I'm going to go through serious withdrawal without this. I'm so sad. ):

So yeah.

I'm sorry, and I really really really really really appreciate and love and cherish all your reviews with all my heart. I never thought, when I started this story, that I'd hit freaking ONE THOUSAND reviews, not to mention plus that.

You have made me the happiest fanfictioner EVAR. :D

I shall not say my goodbyes to this story just yet, because I do have two chapters left...

So, if you are interested at all, the url is fictionpress dot com slash squiggly heartovermatter, minus the spaces of course, and squiggly being the thing in all fanfiction urls, also, and the story is called "What Does That Have To Do With Anything?" But that's really long, so the title is subject to change. If I do change it and I forget to post it here, then just look for the notes story. I only have one other story in total, so it shouldn't be so hard. XD

Ugh, I'm gonna stop, because I'm feeling sick already.

Bye! ILOVEYOUALLSOMUCH.


	99. cacti

**I have never in my life listened to Enrique Iglesias. **

_Bella _**Edward **Alice

_For the love of Enrique Iglesias! _

**Not me anymore? ):**

_No, I'm afraid I've got a soft spot for Latino musicians._

**Who says I'm not?**

…_True._

**Bella, I'm sad.**

_Why's that Popcorn Pants?_

**HUH?**

_Why are you sad?_

**Because soon, we'll have to go back to normal.**

_WHO SAYS?_

**The crazy cactus who's making us say all these things.**

_Oh. Yeah, but we're gone beyond repair anyway. I mean, after a certain normal cactus knocked me up, it all went downhill from there._

**True. But technically I knocked you up.**

_But that shouldn't even be possible. And since it never actually happened…_

**Who says?**

_Who says, I can't be superman? I say, I say—_

**Stop it.**

_I say…_

**Bella…**

_That I know…_

**BELLA!**

_I CAN! I am officially an engine._

**-sigh-**

_I love you, honey bunches of oats._

**I love you too, mountain lion blood.**

_That's not cute and couple-y._

**But you called me a food you eat, so I had to do the same.**

_Word up._

**HOLY FISH STICKS!**

(He isn't very good at this randomosity thing, is he?)

_No, but he's only starting out. Give him a sporting chance. Soon enough, he'll be as good as I am._

**You both are full of kangaroo poop!**

See? WHAT IS THAT?

_I guess it's his way of saying we're full of shit…_

**But you do the same thing… ):**

Mwahahahaha.

**Heh. He is reaching the end...**

**I can't wait to reveal the ending here. **

**Though...I feel like I probably will stick a chapter or two here & there once this is completed anyway.**

**So...Yeah, idk.**

**I'm trying to make this less painful for myself. XD**


	100. IAMHYPERVENTALATING

**I know.**

**...I know.**

**Everything will be said at the end.  
**

_Bella _**Edward **Alice Jasper _**Emmett **__Rosalie__**Mike Newton **_**Jacob**

_YOU GUYS!_

**Oh, boy.**

_Wha?_

**You've been speaking to us normally for months already. **

_This is a special occasion, Edward. _

Truly. We have a secret.

_Why do we all have to be here? I have better things to do._

Rosalie, seriously. I have lost all respect for you once I saw how badly you were cast. So shut up.

**Oh, snap.**

HAHA! Edward, you were constipated the entire time.

_Yah. Talk you not permitted to are._

_…You know._

…**Yeah, well. What is this secret? I really should be tending to some fangirls.**

_EDWARD!_

**Bella, we are disgustingly popular. To an extent where people are so sick of us, that the only ones willing to tend to my fame needs are psychotic teenage girls. So…one second.**

_WHAT A MAN WHORE!_

True dat.

_I think this "pleasebiteme" douchebag forgot how to write in the Twilight essence._

What does that even mean?

_This is dragging on pretty bad._

That's why the others were all short.

_Yeah._

Why are we here?

_LAST. CHAPTER. SPECIAL. GET WITH IT._

_**Stop being so hostile! **_

_I am under a lot of pressure!_

_**You are not!**_

_E__dward is cheating on me with fourteen year olds! YES I AM!_

_**But you're immortal now.**_

_True._

**I was not cheating on you. I just signed stuff. And if these girls like to keep their bras as memorabilia, then so be it.**

_Unbelievable._

**Dude, this is out of character in that really bad way. **

_I know right? Since when do you say dude?_

**THIS IS SO BAD.**

_MAKE IT END._

_Knock, knock!_

**Who's there?**

_Mike Newton's butt._

**Mike Newton's butt who?**

_IMUNNA HIT YOU IN THE HEAD WITH MIKE NEWTON'S BUTT!_

Aha. I applaud you, oh witty one.

Except for the fact that that was a fail.

_I miss you guys._

_It snowed today._

**No, it didn't.**

_Just tryin' to make conversation._

**Can we just fuck instead?**

_Sure. I mean, that's how the last book went, didn't it?_

_**You two are turning into me and Rose.**_

_**Hm. Where is she?**_

_**Bye.**_

OY.

Alice…

-Heaving sigh- Alright.

WAIT!!!

Whaaaaaaaaat?

"EVERYBODY COME BACK!"

_Yes?_

Bella, put your pants on first.

_Okay._

…You're still not wearing any pants.

_Hey, I'm just going by the film._

Touche. But we still haven't told them the secret.

_Right._

Let's do it.

_Okay._

…

**Seriously? **

_**Hurrythehellup!**_

One…

Two…

_IT WAS A FREAKING BET._

Boo!

_Alice bet how long it would take for my senility to get to Edward's breaking point. He hasn't broken yet, but that last chapter kind of set that off when he attempted to use kangaroo shit wittily. So, yeah. That's why I was all loopy scanoodles._

**Loopy scanoodles...?**

STOOOP. No fun. You have ruined the most vital moment of all time.

**Way to go.**

_It was my moment to ruin!_

Oh, nuh-uh!

_You wanna mess?_

Indeed.

_Fine. I'll get the lightsabers._

Can I just rip her to shreds?

**I'll rip **_**you**_** to shreds.**

True.

Alice, I'm scared!

No, Jasper, that's Jackson Rathbone. You're fine.

Oh. 

**This is really long.**

Yeah. Okay. BYE! I LOVE YOU ALL! REVIEW, ALICE SAYS, REVIEW!

**Bye, &Robert Pattinson wishes he were me!**

I am not a deer caught in headlights in real life, btdubbs.

_And Nikki Reed is friends with the director! KAYBYE._

_**I'm gonna run after Rosalie now. **_

_This is ridiculously stupid. BYETHANKSFORPUTTINGUPWITHME._

Oh, shove it. This could all have been put in the author's note at the end.

**That's gonna be a long one.**

Let's leave room.

_Goodbye, my walrus friends._

**One last remark, I suppose.**

This isn't working.

_I can't stop._

What would be a good way to end this?

_**Why is it so cold?!**_

That's what Bella said!

**That works.**

**TAYLOR LAUTNER IS SEX!  
**

**WHEREDOIFREAKINGSTART?!**

**So, for one, I had to use everyone here. Except for Jacob, I just realized I forgot Jacob. Shit. Berightback.**

**Okay, all is well.**

**Anyways. I have evidently lost my touch. I don't know what this is. Maybe I'll post a replacement chapter some time in the future, though this is highly doubtful. I just had to make it 100 already. **

**I really am not a Twilight *twitch* fangirl anymore, so yeah.**

**Overkillllllll.**

**I still love it, though, do not get me wrong. I still flip through my books time and again, and all that. I just liked it better when everywhere I went I didn't see some kid walking around with a Twilight book. It was more exciting when it wasn't so frequent.**

**Soyeah.**

**This is also really long. I had to fit things...**

**And I don't remember where the "bet" idea came from, so please let me know in a review and I'll be happy to put it here. I didn't write it down. **

**I wanna say OMFGTHANKYOUSOFUCKINGMUCHYOUHAVENOIDEAANYONETHATREADISFABULOUS.**

**Well, I just did. Hey. Cool.**

**Seriously, I can't believe this got so popular. It was awesome while it lasted. But all good things must come to an end, and I must mark this story "COMPLETE" once and for all. **

**I also failed at the whole "keep another one running at fictionpress" because I haven't updated in over five months. Or something.**

**I also have WAAAAAAAAAY to many opinions on the movie. They're not all there, but you can check my profile for that. Other than the fact that it was HILARIOUSSSS.**

**I really don't know why anyone would still be reading right now. I need to stop rambling.**

**So...THANKYOUSOMUCH!!! **

**This story is officially over, and I know I've lost "fans" or "people that actually read it" since I waited sooo long to update this, and I know it's not actually funny, but hey. Maybe the last chapter called for some seriousness.**

**Or maybe I just suck.  
**

**That's probably it.**

**I sincerely apologize. **

**Anywho, ILOVEYOUALLBYE!  
**


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